Thursday, August 7, 2014

My body

8. What I appreciate about my body is …

I put off writing this for 2 hours.  I could have had it done all ready but Nooooooo I just watched a rerun on TV, played mindless solitaire games, and topped it off by wandering off in Pinterest.......serious major delaying plus I consumed half a bag of popcorn with chocolate milk and ice cream.  I so want to blame stresses at work and in my life but I took that 'red pill' saying I will be truthful especially with myself.

I struggle with hating my body.  My body and I have a long history of hating.  I was scrawny but my mother told me about how fat I was.  I was starved to feed my brothers.  I didn't 'blossom' into womanhood until well after all my friends.  I didn't know that severe stress can actually delay female development.  I was ridiculed for my shape of my body and encouraged to dress in the shortest skirts.  Thinking about my body fills me with such shame.  Wow.

I believe that we were with our Father in Heaven before coming to Earth.  We were thrilled at the idea of coming to Earth.  I had no idea what I was getting into.  I came to Earth but nobody told me I would get a cheap shot body.  I could never keep up with my brothers.  I've had cancer.  The doctor told me with the history I had and the way I lived I shouldn't have had cancer.....well tell that to the cancer cells; they didn't get the Memo.  I passed out since high school, years later at the worse time I could be up for 20 minutes a day for over 3 years.  I felt like I was dragging a useless weight called a body.  It sucked.....

After years of testing and no answers I went in search of my own answers.....(my Dad, kids, and a grandson have all passed out like I did.  So I knew that some how it was genetic but doctors had no answers.)  For an entire summer I spent hours at the library using Health net before the interenet was what it is today.  Health net linked all the hospital libraries together.  I found out that I could read any medical book or magazine they had, I just couldn't check them out.  I sat with a medical dictionary on one side, a notebook on the other side and medical journal in the middle.  I had no idea there were so many things that could go wrong with the human body.  I gained a deeper and deeper appreciation for this 'Ugly bag of water'.  (Reference from a very old Star Trek TV show...yes, I watched them the first time before they became never ending reruns. I had a teenage crush on Mr. Spock.) 

Therapy taught me a lot about how a pedophile will convince the child it is their fault terrible things happen and the body is blamed.  If I hadn't been so sexy.....such a bad little girl he would not need to punish me by touching me and hurting me.  All lies.  I heard so many lies about my body.  It is the first boundary and I wasn't allowed to protect myself or take care of my body.  Sexual abuse survivors live with a lot of shame, poor self-image, and struggle with even liking their body a little bit.  Many, many sessions were spent with trying to teach me to like my body a little. 

In reality, my body is quite amazing.  My body incubated and grew 6 little bodies.  My body nourished them for months after being born.  My body remembers what I couldn't bare to remember.  My body is aging but through exercise and eating healthier I am doing things that I never dreamed possible 25 years ago.  I still wake, move, feel pain, and know I'm not dead yet so it is time to get up.  I can get up.  I have two achy legs that dance, jump, run, elliptical, dance, walk, wash body is actually amazing.  I was lied to when I was told my body was aweful.  I was lied to when I when I was told I was fat.  I was lied to that it was my body's fault.  I appreciate my body for it houses my spirit and lets me interact with the world.  I still love the urban legend about the little girl that was given the assignment to write down the seven wonders of the world, instead of writing the Grand Canyon or Taj Mahal she listed the wonders of sight, touch, smell, tasting, hearing, loving and she was working on figuring out one more.  What I appreciate about my body would take pages and pages and pages.  I was taught to hate my body but really my body is such an amazing miracle. 

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