Self acceptance

“The acceptance of oneself is the essence of the whole moral problem and the epitome of a whole outlook on life. That I feed the hungry, that I forgive an insult, that I love my enemy in the name of Christ -- all these are undoubtedly great virtues. What I do unto the least of my brethren, that I do unto Christ. But what if I should discover that the least among them all, the poorest of all the beggars, the most impudent of all the offenders, the very enemy himself -- that these are within me, and that I myself stand in need of the alms of my own kindness -- that I myself am the enemy who must be loved -- what then? As a rule, the Christian's attitude is then reversed; there is no longer any question of love or long-suffering; we say to the brother within us "Raca," and condemn and rage against ourselves. We hide it from the world; we refuse to admit ever having met this least among the lowly in ourselves.”
― C.G. Jung, Memories, Dreams, Reflections

My behavior this week reminded how brutal I am on myself.  I didn't let myself slow down just because I needed some medical screening done before school work started.  I didn't tell anyone at school that I needed to take it easy.  I pushed myself hard all week.  I remember my counselor asking me if the same situation was someone else, how would I treat them?  He then would remind me that the second great commandment is to love thy neighbor, AS THYSELF.  Not better than myself. Not instead of myself.  He even proposed that I can only love others as much as I love myself.  If I don't love myself then am I capable of loving others?  This shook my little world to the core.  I love DH, my children, their spouses, my sister, the grand kids, and wonderful friends.  Was I being more judgmental of them because I am judgmental of myself? This conversation took place years ago.  It still nips at my heals.  I notice when I am being especially hard on myself, I struggle with reaching out to others.  I am beginning to believe that how I treat myself can work like taking my temperature when I am sick.  If I am pushing myself to the point of punishment, speaking harshly to myself, or other ways of treating myself unkindly, I need to stop....the first principle I am learning about PTSD is accept myself where I am.  Accepting myself does not mean I am going to stay in the same place.  It means I don't need to beat myself up for where I am at.  If my body needs some down time it is not a sign of laziness.  My body needs time to repair.  My mind needs time to regenerate.  Challenging myself and embracing the suck need not be subtle forms of self punishment.