Wednesday, October 22, 2014
What parts of your mental health do you think I would like to change, and why?
This is a series of post answering questions posed by Kevin's daughter. I asked permission to answer each of these questions as if I was answering my adult children. I will also include a link to Kevin's answer. (I don't read his blog until after I write mine.)
19. What parts of your mental health do you think I would like to change, and why?
Again I feel this is a question with in a question. Do you see me or my mental illness? Is the real question, what part of my personality as a parent would you like to change and why? Or maybe I am questioning myself am I separate from my mental illness? Or maybe I am trying to avoid the blunt but not too pleasant realization that I am not sure how my kids see my mental illness. I don't know what my kids would like changed about me. I know the gaps in memory are a real pain for them when I agree to do something then can't remember to do it. I can only watch and listen to the feedback I get. I do notice that the subject of PTSD is almost never discussed. I write about it on my blog a lot but home conversations don't feature how you feel about my struggles with PTSD. I do know that many of you reassure me that I am doing better than I think I am. Occasionally one of you will have an open conversation about this but mostly I don't know. Why I don't know? Maybe I am afraid to broach the subject because things seem to be going fairly well and subconsciously I don't want to make waves. The most consistent feedback I get is some of you wish I could handle big events a bit better. Weddings, Thanksgiving, Christmas all are fraught with land minds that are impossible for me to avoid all of them so at some point I shut down. Hard to have an event when the main coordinator disappears on a walk or unnecessary shopping. So in my writing this, I think you would like me to change the part of PTSD that makes me seem undependable. I am not solid as a rock. I am not a port in the storm. I am not a safe haven when things fall apart. I tend to get more distant and less emotionally responsive when being closer and sharing emotions are important. Or maybe this is something I wish I could change. Sorry this is a very convoluted answer to what seems to be a straight forward question. I think the best answer is "I don't know."