Wednesday, October 22, 2014

What parts of your mental health do you think I would like to change, and why?

  This is a series of post answering questions posed by Kevin's daughter.  I asked permission to answer each of these questions as if I was answering my adult children.  I will also include a link to Kevin's answer. (I don't read his blog until after I write mine.)

19. What parts of your mental health do you think I would like to change, and why?

Again I feel this is a question with in a question.   Do you see me or my mental illness?  Is the real question, what part of my personality as a parent would you like to change and why? Or maybe I am questioning myself am I separate from my mental illness?  Or maybe I am trying to avoid the blunt but not too pleasant realization that I am not sure how my kids see my mental illness.  I don't know what my kids would like changed about me.  I know the gaps in memory are a real pain for them when I agree to do something then can't remember to do it.  I can only watch and listen to the feedback I get.  I do notice that the subject of PTSD is almost never discussed.  I write about it on my blog a lot but home conversations don't feature how you feel about my struggles with PTSD.   I do know that many of you reassure me that I am doing better than I think I am.  Occasionally one of you will have an open conversation about this but mostly I don't know.  Why I don't know?  Maybe I am afraid to broach the subject because things seem to be going fairly well and subconsciously I don't want to make waves.  The most consistent feedback I get is some of you wish I could handle big events a bit better.  Weddings, Thanksgiving, Christmas all are fraught with land minds that are impossible for me to avoid all of them so at some point I shut down.  Hard to have an event when the main coordinator disappears on a walk or unnecessary shopping.  So in my writing this, I think you would like me to change the part of PTSD that makes me seem undependable.  I am not solid as a rock.  I am not a port in the storm.  I am not a safe haven when things fall apart.  I tend to get more distant and less emotionally responsive when being closer and sharing emotions are important.  Or maybe this is something I wish I could change.  Sorry this is a very convoluted answer to what seems to be a straight forward question.  I think the best answer is "I don't know."

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