Monday, October 20, 2014

I'm sad

I was reading over on another blog about her heavy therapy session.

She hit the nail on the head for me.

She asked a poingnant question:
- I’m grateful to have this, but why am I not worth the full package?

My comment:
I asked the same question over and over and over. My answer was finally for me, I am worth it… parents couldn’t give it. I don’t know if this will become your answer or not. It is what I’m finally accepting from this summer. My parents are in their 80’s and I’m in my 50’s. They totally missed out on being my parents. They chose their fears instead. I’m still sad. But I believe I’m going to be ok. Sorry you are faced with the same question. It is a painful one. You are fortunate to have Cat in your life. Your lunch looks delicious.

I thought I had accepted that my parents chose not to be my parents.  I thought I accepted that I am an extension of my mother in her view and she can't see me as anything but a threat to her well being.  I thought I had accepted that my father used me as a human shield from my mother.  I thought I had finally got over the longing for parents.  I was wrong.  I am still not 'over' not feeling like I am worth the full package.  I wonder when the grieving ends....


Judy said...

Last counselor told me I would grieve the loss for the rest of my life, every time I was reminded I would never be loved by my parents the way I deserved to be loved. He also said it was okay.

Ruth said...

Thanks Judy.

mulderfan said...

In one of the many books I've read trying to solve the puzzle of why my parents didn't love me, I found this: I'm not unlovable. My parents are incapable of love. They were broken" long before I was born. I didn't break them and I'm not responsible for fixing them.

Judy's right. I will never get over the loss of my husband but I have learned to cope with it by building a new life. Same with my parents. Some days I feel cheated and I likely always will.

Ruth said...

Thank you mulderfan. I appreciate you sharing your experience.

jessie said...

I have that feeling a lot too. It seems to come and go. I think I will forever wish it was different too. But, it doesn't hurt ALL the time, like it used to. And the moments of grieving are less frequent and less intense than they used to be. So, there is hope in that.

Sending hugs your way.

Ruth said...

I appreciate hugs. Thanks Jessie.