Sunday, March 22, 2015
Do I really believe?
My sister and I found our ways back on to the same road to healthy years of not communicating when I was in my 40's. It wasn't until I was in counseling and I talked about not remembering she understood my behavior. We read some of the same blogs that wrote about narcissists. We backed each other up and validated that we really saw what we saw and heard what we heard. We walk and talk once a week in what we call Sister Therapy. We share memories that no one else knows and both shared the worst with the same counselor. My sister challenges me to continue towards healthy. This post is no exception.
Do I really believe that Christ was sent here by a loving Heavenly Father to save me? Do I really believe that I can be forgiven for a past I resist remembering?
I've hit rock bottom and Christ is the Rock at the bottom.
Do I really believe I will be protected on this Earth?
NO. I have many examples in the scripture that teaches me that good people do incredibly dumb stuff. Good people suffer at the hands of stubborn pharaohs and jealous siblings. Suffering is part of our existence. Feeling physical and emotional pain is part of why we are hear. I live in the desert filled with pokey things and stickers. I am reminded daily that life is harsh sometimes.
Do I really believe that my prayers will be answered?
Usually not the way I expect. I get an answer faster if I ask the right question.
My research into shame is affecting me physically as well as emotionally. My body is feeling the strain of my delving into a part that my counselors tried to probe. My deep agonizing feeling of shame.
Do I really believe my faith in Christ will help me with my shame and find healing from this soul destroying malady?
I hope so.