Friday, March 6, 2015

My Reality Check Bounced

Every once in a while, something happens that lets me know that what I thought was no big deal, really was.  I call it, "My reality checked Bounced." I work in a high school working with Early Childhood Education.  I was doing the same work as the students creating a key for the emotional intelligence assignment.  My counselor called me an emotional moron.  He wasn't kidding....he was serious.  The information I worked on today are the things a preschooler needs to know.  When I went into counseling, I knew less about my emotions than a 3 year old should know about emotions.  I not only didn't know what depression was, I hadn't a clue why I would sometimes get raging angry, and totally missed the point on mourning a death in the family.  I had emotions but I just had no freaking idea what to do with them.  The more I read today the more astonished I became as to how little I knew about emotions.  I now understand why my counselor compared me to a cripple.  I was emotionally crippled and KavinCoach attempted to teach me what a toddler knows about emotions.  My ideas were so cluttered with twisted thinking and misinformation plus a stunning ability to totally disconnect from anything emotional.  To begin with, he needed to convince me that I actually had emotions.  I shut them down so completely.  Once I found them, I had no better idea how to control them than a 3 year old.  My life sucked.  I struggled with the simplest of concepts.  Today reading the information on teaching a preschooler about emotions I finally understood the emotional impact of severe emotional abuse.  It stunts all growth in this vital area that affects every aspect of my life.  My mind is still trying to wrap my mind around the level of abuse one must endure to be so twisted for so long.  If I had a broken bone that heals incorrectly, that can be broken again and reset.  A broken soul doesn't work that way.  I now understand the hours and hours of persuasion and coaxing my counselor did to teach me what I should have learned over 40 years before.  I will say this, hard is not impossible.  I still don't understand many nuances of emotions but I am approaching the research with a more open mind and clearer vision, thanks to my counselor. 

My 10,000 puzzle pieces scattered on KavinCoaches floor.

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