Tom Clancy
When I was in 6th grade my friends all signed my annual, "To the Nut." I quickly learned that my friends had to be kept separated in slices, 'at school,' 'after school,' ' at church,' and 'at home.' There were many blips and twists that hung out in my memories but didn't seem to fit together. I was always trying to see the logic in it all. In high school, instead of following the latest heart throb I wanted to be like Mr. Spock*. Mark Spitz was a temporary distraction but always Mr. Spock was my hero. I was shook up by the Star Trek episode that had MR. Spock feeling intense emotion. I liked his ability to see the logic in any human mess. I also liked that he wasn't human but Vulcan. (How many times had I wished that I was a bunny, a monkey, a mermaid, anything but human?) I learned this past week that rocking a baby does more to quiet my soul than any other method of trying to find an inner calm. I had 10 years of babies and pregnancies to keep me more balanced. Then the kids got older. New challenges erupted. We moved back to where I had grown up. I knew I was falling apart and didn't know how to stop it. No logic explained this dizzy swirl of half living and struggling with health problems. Several doctors said that I needed to get counseling. I would challenge, "If it is all in my head why does my body hurt so much?" They didn't have an adequate answer. I finally went to counseling. I wish I could say it was for myself but it was for my marriage. Our children were growing up and leaving home and I was married to a great guy that I barely knew any more. The starting of marriage counseling was rocky. Assignments were done but the expected results were not happening. By the third month of counseling I realized my 6th grade friends were right, I was 'nuts.' I wasn't just one I, there were more than one. My world opened up to the topsy-turvy world of PTSD with dissociation at a severe level. Some people prefer DID. My reality really didn't make sense. But it made sense once I accepted the concept I functioned using separate personalities. My world rocked again after I integrated. I read my own book and realize, if I hadn't lived it, it would be hard to believe such events are real. But this is my reality, my strange world and making sense is not always an option.
* http://www.startrek.com/database_article/spock
When I was in 6th grade my friends all signed my annual, "To the Nut." I quickly learned that my friends had to be kept separated in slices, 'at school,' 'after school,' ' at church,' and 'at home.' There were many blips and twists that hung out in my memories but didn't seem to fit together. I was always trying to see the logic in it all. In high school, instead of following the latest heart throb I wanted to be like Mr. Spock*. Mark Spitz was a temporary distraction but always Mr. Spock was my hero. I was shook up by the Star Trek episode that had MR. Spock feeling intense emotion. I liked his ability to see the logic in any human mess. I also liked that he wasn't human but Vulcan. (How many times had I wished that I was a bunny, a monkey, a mermaid, anything but human?) I learned this past week that rocking a baby does more to quiet my soul than any other method of trying to find an inner calm. I had 10 years of babies and pregnancies to keep me more balanced. Then the kids got older. New challenges erupted. We moved back to where I had grown up. I knew I was falling apart and didn't know how to stop it. No logic explained this dizzy swirl of half living and struggling with health problems. Several doctors said that I needed to get counseling. I would challenge, "If it is all in my head why does my body hurt so much?" They didn't have an adequate answer. I finally went to counseling. I wish I could say it was for myself but it was for my marriage. Our children were growing up and leaving home and I was married to a great guy that I barely knew any more. The starting of marriage counseling was rocky. Assignments were done but the expected results were not happening. By the third month of counseling I realized my 6th grade friends were right, I was 'nuts.' I wasn't just one I, there were more than one. My world opened up to the topsy-turvy world of PTSD with dissociation at a severe level. Some people prefer DID. My reality really didn't make sense. But it made sense once I accepted the concept I functioned using separate personalities. My world rocked again after I integrated. I read my own book and realize, if I hadn't lived it, it would be hard to believe such events are real. But this is my reality, my strange world and making sense is not always an option.
* http://www.startrek.com/database_article/spock
3 comments:
I loved Spock too!
High school was a nightmare for me. I was NOTICEABLY poor, painfully shy and smart, making me a perfect target for teachers and students. Like you, I was considered at nut but more so at home than at school.
I'm begin to realize that dwelling on the past is more helpful to others than it is to us! No problem helping others, but at some point we have to let go and move on.
The Ruth I know is not a nut, she's a perfect friend!
Love P/M
Ruth,
You are not a nut. In the game of life you were dealt a bad hand but you are a survivor. Don’t underestimate yourself; be assured there are none as nutty as those who call someone else a nut.
XX Molly
yes definitely, you are and were not a nut. your friends were just mean and careless. I don't think people are mentally ill as they are emotionally hurt. I also think calling someone crazy or mentally ill is unfair.
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