Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Gathering strength
I am noticing a cycle that seems to occur. I work at gaining strength. I feel stronger and stronger and I just about feel like I am on top of the world and I get body slammed. Bummer. This time I have no one to blame accept myself. I want to move forward. I start reading material for "normal" people in no time at all I want to throw the book across the room. The book talks about how women are supposed to act and I am sitting here feeling more and more like a freak because I don't behave the way they say women are supposed to act. In fact, what I do seems to be the opposite. Then I remind myself that 'chick flicks' drive me crazy because I can't believe any body would act that way. I listen to women talk at work and I want to throw my arms in the air and scream, "Are you kidding me?" It was really sad the day I read a book written by a woman that was supposed to help me feel better about being a woman. It was even sadder that I asked my male counselor what the author meant. He understood being female better than I do. When I am hurting, I lash out and the one I wish I could lash out at was the b*****d that messed me up so badly as a child. Don't get me wrong, I love being a woman. Giving birth to each one of my 6 children was an experience that I have never forgotten. (I have forgotten plenty.) Nurturing them and watching them grow was such a privileged. They are all amazing adults, starting amazing families. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. But Damn I do not understand why women (and men) behave the way they do sometimes.
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9 comments:
"I do not understand why women (and men) behave the way they do sometimes." In truth, I don't think anybody does, Ruth.
Some feelings that others take for granted might be new for you because you've been forced to hide them for a long time. Now things are out in the open it will take time and patience to process them.
As far as your abuser goes, wanting to lash out seems perfectly natural to me and it must be frustrating to know he is out of reach. If there is an afterlife, it's a good bet he's paying big time for what he did to you and others. I hope he's a crispy critter now and for all eternity!
Hugs P/M
Oh thank you P/M. I am imagining this guy looking like a hot dog left on the grill way too long. I also appreciate your advice. I will work on patience with myself this week.
((((P/M))))
Hi Ruth
I do know what it feels like to be knocked off ones emotional perch. It is a bummer. It makes you feel lost and dreadful. I am pretty sure it’s par for the course when you have been abused. I just think it’s that lonely feeling coming way back when you had nobody in your corner. I have learned to expect and accept it and know that it is temporary. As for the chick-lit and chick-flick brigade, these are very shallow people. Just remind yourself you are better than them, you have a lot to be proud of and hold your head up high.
Best wishes
Molly.
Thanks Molly.
Chick-lit and flicks cater to the stereotypical. YOU ARE NOT STEREOTYPICAL! THANK GOD!
RESET.
I don't like that stuff either. I have wonderful, healthy female friends who don't like that stuff either! Do you really see Corrie Ten Boom or Mother Theresa getting into that? If you're worried about being more like a woman, then the question to ask is "Who do you want to be like?" "Who do you admire?" Do you admire the women who act that way? Really? You know not all of them do, or you wouldn't have so many female friends. And you do have quite a few female friends.
What the hell brought on this "I wish I were like them" crap? WHY? Who are the mystical "they?" Are they God? Don't think so.
You are amazing and unique and great at being YOU. Who else is going to do it? If God wanted us to all be the same, He would have backed a different plan.
Now, consider this: You were taught that women are treacherous and weak and stupid and powerless. Actually, when you come right down to it, you were taught that women are evil. Is it any wonder you did everything in your power to not emulate anything that might identify you as one?
Make your own definition of what a woman is and live up to that. Personally, Corrie Ten Boom is one of my templates. So is Lucy Monroe, along with most of her heroines. Diane Gaston, Mary, Jan, Margaret, Debbie, Mary Ann, Connie, and several other friends are also on that list in varying degrees. Not one is a typical woman, though a few of them do like chick-flicks. That's okay. :-)
You've raised great kids. You make bread and jam, from scratch. (There are plenty of "typical women" who wouldn't have a clue where to start.) You're very nurturing, or you wouldn't have started this website to help others. You like manicures and pedicures. I hate them, so does that make me less of a woman? I've never had children; does that make me less of a woman? I've never been married or had a lover; does that make me less of a woman? Are you really going to let THEM define womanhood for you? You decide. You.
~Judy
Feel free to not publish this comment.
In one church youth group I was in many moons ago I was regarded as an honorary women because I was in touch with my feelings.
Here's to the day when gender stereotyping is no more!
Thanks Judy I needed that very much.
I agree Evan. Your posts show that you are in touch with kindness and caring which I happen to think is very awesome. Love your blog.
http://www.livingauthentically.org/
Great comment, Judy! I've always been considered atypical when it comes to the womanly stuff. My favourite movies and novels are the ones that have a "heroine" who kicks ass. All time fave, Patricia Cornwell's Kay Scarpetta character.
Screw everybody's idea of what a woman is supposed to be! I know how to bake AND build things! Strong (except with the NPs), independent, and out spoken came in pretty damn handy when my husband died.
Ruth, you rock! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Proud to call you my friend, P/M
Thanks P/M.
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