Mental Illness...

 I am fascinated with the way I get bits and pieces of information then everything comes together.

I am expanding my reading to other blogs.  In my adventures I am meeting some amazing people on line.  This week a fellow multiple was told by their (incompetent) counselor that checking into a mental hospital was her only choice since the counselor couldn't handle her issues. http://beingelle.wordpress.com/2011/10/11/too-fucked-up-for-therapy/
Really.... Are you kidding me?  At first, I realized I was disgusted by the counselors behavior.  Today, I realized I am FLAMING ANGRY.  How dare this person tell someone else they are too messed up?  Then, I thought about Sandy's blog over at Sanativescribe.  She wrote a beautiful post of the challenges of labels that imply that your way of living is not acceptable to the rest of the world. 

http://www.sanativescribe.com/2011/10/09/the-biggest-challenges/

Mental illness is hard and cultural expectations make it harder.  When I found out I was a multiple personality I was first curious and then delighted to know.  I wanted to share with the world that my life finally made sense.  It finally made sense as to why chunks of time were missing.  It finally made sense as to why I knew what 'blood dreams' are without an explanation.  It finally makes sense why my children think I lie.  So much of my world finally made sense and I wanted to tell the world this wonderful news.  KavinCoach counseled me not to do this.  I was bewildered because I thought it was great that everything finally made sense.  I learned the hard way that most of the world does not agree with me.  Well crumbs.  People changed how they treated me.  Some moved away from me like it was some sort of disease they could catch.  I discovered that telling the world you have a mental illness is not a good plan.  I learned more about my way of functioning.  I checked out and read books from over twenty years span.  I studied.  (I listed some of the best books I read on my Resources page.)
http://weareone-ruth.blogspot.com/p/resources.html

I came to the conclusion that I wanted to integrate.  There are no books to help with this.  I now understand why, because every multiple is unique so is the integration process.  Can't write a how-to book.  I decided to ingrate because I thought it would solve most of my problems.  I was disappointed.  Integration solved the blackouts.  Integration solved a continuous time line.  Integration made way for me to learn other skills.  It did NOT solve PTSD.  Being a multiple personality was my way to cope with PTSD.  Being a multiple personality was a creative child's solution to living in insanity.  I wrote my book to share a little of my life with my children so they could understand why their childhood had some glitches.  I also wanted to throw a life line out to others that wanted to integrate.  I wanted others to know that in the integration process none of my personalities were left behind.  My condition for integration was to all come together or we don't go.  I became one personality but I am still considered mentally ill since PTSD and depression are considered mental illnesses.  I call them survival.  PTSD is the direct results of a childhood of abuse.  Depression is my way of keeping my anger about what happens to me under control.  If I didn't have depression, I would be in anger management.  I am thankful for multiple personalities, I was able to survive.  I am thankful for depression, I can control my anger.  I am thankful for counseling for teaching me how to process the hurt, fear and frustration that I covered with my anger.   I hope that people that read my blog come away with the idea that the problems of mental illness are not impossible to solve.  Depression is a lousy feeling.  I am learning to get past this and feel delight, joy and hope.  Whatever place I am in my life I can choose to become healthier and happier person.  I invite you to find a healthier living too.