mulderfan shared an awesome post and quote that describes what a 'people pleaser' is:
http://muldrfan.blogspot.com/2011/10/and-people-pleasers.html
I learned from my counselor that it is not a healthy way to live but as a child being a 'people pleaser' helped me to survive grownups that were totally unreasonable.
Now I have a choice. How I plan to change this list:
"Characteristics of People Pleasers" from the book HEALING FROM FAMILY RIFTS by Mark Sichel.
"People Pleasers...
....are reactive to events, situations, and interactions, rarely taking the initiative to assert their own needs, wants and desires into a situation.
I will learn to positively assert what I need in my life. I will be aware of events, situations, and interactions but I will think before I choose a plan of action that is healthy for me.
...take any criticism as fact, and immediately suffer a deflation of their own self-esteem.
I will internalize my self-esteem. I will concentrate on the 'self' part meaning my estimation of myself comes from me and not an outside source. Criticism is an opportunity to evaluate my behavior but it is my decision if I need to do anything about a criticism. I recognize that some people use criticism to control others. I will not relinquish control of myself and my opinion of myself.
...feel an extraordinary fear of abandonment.
I accept that not everyone is going to like me. Sometimes someone is in my life for only a short season or a particular reason. If they go away I don't not need to fear since my strength comes from within myself.
...blame themselves for everything that ever goes wrong.
I am learning to recognize that sometimes I am not the problem. Sometimes there is nothing I can do to change a situation. Sometimes CRAP happens and it has nothing to do with my actions or behavior.
...become more concerned with others' feelings than their own.
I am hyper-aware of how other people feel, this was a way to survive. I will mediate and tune in to how I feel consider my own feelings too. I will learn balance between my needs and the needs of others.
...have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, expecting of themselves magical abilities to fix the significant others in their lives.
I am learning that the lives of others I touch I can be part of the solution but I am not responsible for fixing someone else's mess. I have enough messes of my own. Using someone else's problems to avoid my own problems is not helpful to them or me. I need to clean up my own back yard.
...learned early in their lives to bury their own feelings, needs, and wants, and keep them buried until they get help for their problems.
I learned to bury my feelings period. Many sessions in counseling I am learning to recognize and feel my own feelings, my own needs and admit that I have wants. I am learning to make time for me and what I want to do with my life. I am not an extension of someone else. I am myself.
...chronically confuse pity with love and self-sacrifice with caring for others."
I am learning to recognize that I feel deeply the pain of others but my self-sacrifice does not benefit them. It does not make them a better person. It does not solve their problems. It only diminishes me. I enjoy doing things for others. Giving service is different than sacrificing my whole self to some person that could barely careless what happens to me. I best show my love for others by loving them like I love myself. That means I need to love myself FIRST.
**PS I was reading One Angry Daughter and just love her Mantra. Check it out:
http://www.oneangrydaughter.com/2011/10/mantra-choose-to-be-you.html
6 comments:
Well done Ruth! You took something that was good and made it even better! Plus, you made it work...for YOU!
Love OAD's mantra too.
Hugs P/M
I need to do that: Go through the list and figure out how I want to change it.
Hi Ruth
Very eloquently put Ruth I hope you achieve your goals.
People pleasing has been a constant struggle for me, fortunately, I was able to bring my children up to think differently. In life I feel there is a fine line between helping others and being used. To some people sensitivity and compassion are looked upon as weakness.
I learned how I should treat others when I attended Sunday school. My favourite story was the Good Samaritan.
My parents wanted perfect cardboard cut-out children – without any input from themselves. My M. would mock and ridicule my compassionate nature and tell me I took life far too seriously.
This is a story that I used when explaining the difference between kindness and naivety to my children:
A man, whilst talking to a Buddhist Monk, suddenly punches him in the face and laughs. The Monk studies him for a moment and then punches him back. The man, visibly shocked by this says “Why did you do that, I thought Buddhists were non-violent?” the Buddhist replied “I am a Buddhist but I am not stupid.”
Even though we have a compassionate nature, we should not allow ourselves to be walked over.
Molly
Thank P/M, Your post was great. It gave me a criteria to work with on setting my goals. I realize some of them are already in process.
Laurel, I will look forward to seeing your list. If it is alright I will add a link when you get it done.
Good for you Molly for teaching your children differently than what you learned. **note to self** Never punch a Buddhist monk. :) **
Well done. That's quite a list. One step at a time I guess.
One step was admitting I needed to change. Next step finding coaches and others that could explain what I needed to know. Some of these I have actually already put into place. Through my work in the computer lab I learned that not everyone is going to like me. It cost me my job but wasn't the end of the world. The blessing came when I graduated a year later with my photography degree. Turning a life around takes deciding which way to turn.
Post a Comment