Actually, I hate all list

Yesterday's list was tough because I experienced, am experiencing, or trying to get over too many on that list.  Now that I thought about it over night, the reality is I already knew I was a sexual abuse survivor.  I already knew that many of my more severe reactions to people or living are tied directly to sexual abuse.  I am a survivor and feeling some days like it is a life sentence.  Then, I remind myself that  healing is possible.  Scars do not mean the end of the world...in fact just the opposite.  If you survive, there are scars.  If you don't survive, doesn't matter, you're dead.  Surviving is good, healing is better, and thriving is the best.

Yesterday's title got me thinking about lists.  I actually really do hate lists.  The thought of making a list can send me running away to play computer games.  I know the value of lists.  We used to live out in the country.  Going to the store was 45 minutes one way.  I went once every 2 weeks.  The small town had a little grocery store but it cost so much more than driving to the 'city' and usually didn't have what I needed.  I saved my receipts for 3 months, recorded every purchase then made the list in the same order as I went through the store.  By circling what I needed I could quickly map out my shopping trip.  I rarely forgot anything.  Unfortunately, I was raised on lists.  I had lists of my lists to make sure I did everything in a day as expected in the order demanded.  I had my chores lists.  I had lists of how to do the chores.  I had lists of every minute of some days.  I had lists that I could get additional chores.  If it looked like I could finish, more items were added.  The thing was that my mother loves lists.  Therefore, everyone else must love lists.  I watch her now make lists that dictate everything she has to do in the day.  Here is the problem, she makes the lists so long no one could possibly finish them.  I call them the never ending lists.  I married and swore never to use a list again.  You know, sometimes, a list is really helpful to make sure you haven't missed something.  I learned to make spread sheets.  Yup, spreadsheets are lists that can be searched, managed, and became indispensable when I worked in the computer labs.  Twenty computers needing the same thirty things done to them, I kept track with spreadsheets.  I decided I can't make peace with a list but I am willing to let go of my prejudices and incorporate spreadsheets into my life so that I can successfully accomplish the things I want done.  I do not need to be a slave to them.  After all, they can't be all bad if you know how to hit delete when they are getting too long.