Lists

I am continuing to explore lists.  There are lists that can change your perspective in life.  A list of symptoms, a list of questions, a list of _______________ you fill in the blank.  For me, it was a list of questions.  I had a boss that was trying to get me fired and sent a list of questions to KavinCoach.  My diagnosis, how it would affect my job, what I was doing about it, and what accommodations needed for me to do my job.  I read it 10 times and still couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that these were questions and answers about me.  I was the same person before and after but I viewed myself differently.  I was no longer a little girl exaggerating.  I was a full grown woman facing a tough choice.  Do I remain the same or change forever how I functioned?  I dug deep and worked harder at integration.  Lists can have an impact.  Below are list shared by others that changed how they viewed their life.  A list can make a huge difference.      


list of symptoms of... Many choices...

PTSD http://www.helpguide.org/mental/post_traumatic_stress_disorder_symptoms_treatment.htm


Medical definition and list for narcissism http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/1519417-overview
Quiz http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/narcissistic.htm

From mulderfan:  A list that changed her life.   I kept it!

Characteristics of Narcissistic Parents
From Children of the Self Absorbed: A Grownup’s Guide to Getting over Narcissistic Parents by Nina Brown
• Turns every conversation to him or herself.
• Expects you to meet his or her emotional needs
• Ignores the impact of his negative comments on you
• Constantly criticizes or berates you and knows what is best for you
• Focus on blaming rather than taking responsibility for his own behaviour
• Expect you to jump at his every need
• Is overly involved with his own hobbies, interests or addictions ignoring your needs
• Has high need for attention:
• Brags, sulks, complains, inappropriately teases, is flamboyant, loud and boisterous
• Is closed minded about own mistakes. Can’t handle criticism and gets angry to shut it off
• Becomes angry when his needs are not met and tantrums or intimidates
• Has an attitude of “Anything you can do, I can do better”
• Engages in one-upmanship to seem important
• Acts in a seductive manner or is overly charming
• Is vain and fishes for compliments. Expects you to admire him
• Forgets what you have done for them yet keeps reminding you that you owe them today
• Neglects the family to impress others. Does it all: Is a super person to gain admiration
• Threatens to abandon you if you don’t go along with what he wants
• Ignores your feelings and calls you overly sensitive or touchy if you express feelings
• Cannot listen to you and cannot allow your opinions
• Is more interested in his own concerns and interests than yours
• Is unable to see things from any point of view other than his own
• Attempts to make you feel stupid, helpless and inept when you do things on your own
• Has poor insight and can not see the impact his selfish behaviour has on you
• Has shallow emotions and interests
• Exploits others with lies and manipulations.
• Uses emotional blackmail to get what he wants
• May engage in physical or sexual abuse of children

"But even though their behaviour is not really about you, excessive criticizing and blaming can cross the line and become verbal abuse. Beverly Engel (1990) writes:

Emotional abuse is any behaviour that is designed to control another person through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults. It can include verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics like intimidation, manipulation and refusal to ever be pleased.
Emotional abuse is like brainwashing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in her perceptions, and self concept. Whether it be by constant berating, and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance" or teaching, the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient loses all sense of self and all remnants of personal value.

Engle categorizes verbal abuse in several ways:

Domination: The person resorts to threats to get their own way.

Verbal Assaults: This includes reprimanding, humiliating, criticising, name calling, screaming, threatening, excessive blaming, and using sarcasm in a cutting way. It also involves exaggerating your faults and making fun of you in front of others. Over time, this type of abuse erodes your sense of self-confidence and self-worth.

Abusive Expectations: The other person makes unreasonable demands and expects that they are your first priority -- no matter what. This includes denouncing your needs for attention and support.

Unpredictable Responses: This includes drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts. Living with someone like this is extremely anxiety provoking. You may feel frightened, unsettled and off balance. This hyper vigilance can even lead to physical distress.

Gaslighting: This involves the other person denying your perceptions of events and conversations.

Constant Chaos: The [abuser] may deliberately start arguments and is in constant conflict with others. They also may be addicted to drama, since it creates excitement.


Narcissist’s Commandments
written by therapist Steve Becker (thank Barbara for the citation!)
You must not disappoint me.
You must not inconvenience me.
You must recognize all of my expectations as reasonable.
You must, at all times, accommodate me.
You must recognize my “special needs” (special in an important, not disabled, sense); and must always satisfy them.
You must be glad for my good moods, and understand and tolerate my bad, nasty ones.
You must see my anger, rage and contempt as always arising for justifiable reasons.
You must make tireless efforts to placate me when you’ve upset me.
You must appreciate that my comfort supersedes yours and everyone else’s.
You must find what interests me, interesting; and you must convey your interest.
You willingly assume responsibility for my happiness, and blame for my discontent.
You must never oppose or defy me.
You must always know what I want without my having to ask; and you must always communicate what you want without my having to ask.
You must recognize that double-standards are unacceptable, except when they’re mine (in which case they’re not double-standards, just differently applied standards).
You must stop shoving the word “reciprocity” in my face. Reciprocity means that both of us do what I want and need.
You appreciate at all times my importance and significance, or I’ll find someone who will.
You recognize that, even though we’re both “tired” at the end of the day, my fatigue is ten times more valid than yours, and so you cut me ten times more slack than I cut you.
You worry about your accountability to me, and I’ll worry about my accountability to no one.
You find that everything I say makes sense (and therefore brooks no opposition).
You appreciate that your value to me is proportionate to how good you make me look, and feel.

Narcissism is a spectrum disorder with the most severe end of the spectrum considered a narcissistic personality disorder. A woman can have several narcissistic traits and not fit the personality disorder. Mothers with only a few traits listed can negatively affect their daughters in insidious ways which is explained in Dr. Karyl's book.
1. When you discuss your feelings with your mother, does she she try to top the feeling with her own?
2. Does your mother act jealous of you?
3. Does your mother lack empathy for your feelings?
4. Does your mother only support those things you do that reflect on her as a “good mother”?
5. Have you consistently felt a lack of emotional closeness with your mother?
6. Have you consistently questioned whether or not your mother likes you or loves you?
7. Does your mother only do things for you when others can see?
8. When something happens in your life (accident, illness, divorce), does your mother react with how it will affect her rather than how you feel?
9. Is or was your mother overly conscious of what others think (neighbors, friends, family, co-workers)?
10. Does your mother deny her own feelings?
11. Does your mother blame things on you or others rather than own responsibility for her own feelings or actions?
12. Is or was your mother hurt easily and then carries a grudge for a long time without resolving the problem?
13. Do you feel you were a slave to your mother?
14. Do you feel you were responsible for your mother’s ailments or sickness (headaches, stress, illness)?
15. Did you have to take care of your mother’s physical needs as a child?
16. Do you feel unaccepted by your mother?
17. Do you feel your mother was critical of you?
18. Do you feel helpless in the presence of your mother?
19. Are you shamed often by your mother?
20. Do you feel your mother knows the real you?
21. Does your mother act like the world should revolve around her?
22. Do you find it difficult to be a separate person from your mother?
23. Does your mother appear phony to you?
24. Does your mother want to control your choices?
25. Does your mother swing from egotistical to depressed mood?
26. Did you feel you had to take care of your mother’s emotional needs as a child?
27. Do you feel manipulated in the presence of your mother?
28. Do you feel valued, by mother, for what you do rather than who you are?
29. Is your mother controlling, acting like a victim or martyr?
30. Does your mother make you act different from how you really feel?
31. Does your mother compete with you?
32. Does your mother always have to have things her way?

My detective work has led me to believe that my mother has narcissistic personality disorder, which explains why I view her as the center of all this chaos. In her universe, her spouse and children are expected to orbit her. The orbit is defined by her needs, wants, desires, opinions and expectations. One literally has to fall in line of her definition of the orbit in order to maintain peace. Falling out of orbit has catastrophic consequences in the form of rage, guilt, blame, obligation, manipulation and abandonment. You cannot be part of her universe unless you conform to her will.