The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Survival only focuses on scraping together what you need for that one moment at bare minimum. Pushed to the wall it is amazing what you can do without. As a child, I learned doing without was survival. I didn't think I lacked being creative. I always enjoyed trying new things. When I married, I tried all the "womanly arts" crocheting, needle point, cross stitch, and discovered a whole lot of things that I was either mediocre or really bad at doing. Cooking was extremely difficult because I was using a gas stove and I didn't know at the time about the connection and trigger to my past. I just hated cooking. Now, I have an electric stove and the food channel and the experiments are fun. (Did you know that if you cook fudge at too hot a temperature it turns crumbly? Slow and steady cooking produces smoother creamier fudge.) I started my art classes before counseling. My art classes became a two D and three D outlet to describe my inner world. Almost every major project became focused on my inner turmoil. I was complimented on how creative my work was. I looked at them blankly. I just wrote, took pictures and drew what was crashing around in my head. I didn't consider what I was doing creative. Integration happened two years before I graduated. That is when I wrote my book that you can read below. That was when I discovered how much energy was consumed maintaining multiple lives. One life is far less draining but I am still tired all the time. I passed the nine year mark for counseling. Two counselors and whole lot of talking and reading and pondering. A couple of months ago a trigger took me on a little trip into hell for a night. I ended up texting then calling NewCounselor. He tried to encourage me and my body and mind shut down. PTSD took full control. I realize I still expend huge quantities of energy on hyper-vigilance. What was different this time was after a complete crash on Saturday night I was able to attend a family dinner on Sunday night and back to work on Monday morning. Compared to what recovery time was before counseling, this was spectacular. I now have a new problem. When I start getting rested I don't know how to handle the out pouring of energy. At first, I thought I was getting angry more often. I am starting to realize that my body is learning to function at normal levels. I have so many ideas and I feel so excited about several projects that I am starting to work on. I will need to pace myself so I will actually complete the projects I start and not burn out. I am looking forward to a summer of fun and creativity. One of my sources...Pinterest. It you haven't had an invite and want to have access to a bazillion ideas let me know. Send a message that says, "Do NOT post, please send me a Pinterest invite and your email address." The boards I follow...people you share great ideas. I am so excited about all the possibilities. Next on my things to learn to do...harness this energy that is zipping around and channel it to doing these really cool ideas instead of just spinning my wheels. I am starting to think a list might have some value. (List giving me hives is a different post. :)
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