"Bad" emotions

Another blogger's post sometimes get me to write ideas that previous just rattled around in my head trying to find an outlet.  Kiki's post prompted me to write this comment.  As I reread it, I realized I spewed out a lot of different ideas that have formed over time.
http://kikimatters.blogspot.com/2012/06/disappearing.html

To give a little background, when I started counseling one of the things my counselor discovered fairly quickly was my ability to completely dissociate from all emotion.  He had tried to get me to express how I felt and I blocked out all feeling of anger.  KavinCoach stopped mid-sentence and asked, "Where did it go?"
I was confused, "Where did what go?"
KC: "You were getting angry."
Me: "Yes."
KC: "But now it is gone.  You don't even show any tension in your face like you are trying to suppress it.  Where did it go?"
 I didn't know.  I just knew I could make it go away.  This wasn't controlling emotion or setting it aside for a later date I made it completely vanish...sort of.  I did find it eventually.

Emotion became the most fascinating thing in the world for me to study.  It was amazing stuff.  Like liquid sunshine it could split apart to a rainbow of feelings that absolutely astounded me.  I knew that anger was one of the "bad" emotions because I was taught from a very young age that I was a terrible child if I expressed it.  I learned to bury it then to dissociate from it completely.  Mind you it didn't actually vanish.  I just put it cold storage.  Unprocessed raw emotion built up over a life time is awe inspiring when I finally tapped into what I call Lake Rage.

When Kiki wrote about what she was feeling I commented and my fingers just kept rattling out thoughts about emotions that I hadn't actually put together in all one place.  

The world of emotions was denied by me for so long that learning to feel any of them fully is difficult. I felt happy from time to time that is safe, like you say. Kind of like having a box of crayons and the only color you are allowed is a happy yellow. My counselor kept trying to push me into anger, I kept blocking him or shutting down. He finally gave me an assignment to throw clay pigeons, the kind for skeet shooting, against the wall. I was to name each one with a hurt or something I was angry about. I came back and told him how I didn't just do one box, I did two, 180 little circles of clay were smashed against a wall. My counselor looked at me stunned. He quietly said, "I thought you would be tired after one box." I just tapped into a lake of rage. I joked that if it weren't for depression, I would be in anger management. I agree with you if you let loose all that feeling all at once it could be terrifying for you and those around you. My counselor helped me let off a little at a time. I am still working on that lake of rage but I learned that it was the dynamo that kept me moving forward when I should have been totally wiped out. The power of emotions is like filling your crayon box with all the colors available. I have a picture of the tapestry in my counselors office. That tapestry would not be nearly as beautiful without the black threads. Here is my take on some of the emotions.

Fear - I pray more and become closer to God because I have faith that He will hear me.

Anger - It tells me when a boundary is violated. I have many boundary violations to be angry about.

Boredom - A red flag that I am not engaged enough in living.

Jealousy - teaches me the needs I was taught to ignore. If I am jealous, what need have I denied myself?

Sorrow - the deep pain of hurt that I was not allowed to feel.

Grief - for the childhood denied me. There are a lot of emotions.

Depression gives you a place to start processing. When you draw, what are you drawing? When you play music, what are you playing? When you write, what are you writing? All of these are avenues to the world of emotions. Allowing yourself to immerse yourself in them allows you to bask in the emotions without overwhelming yourself. Depression gives you time to process what you learn. The wealth of emotion is amazing. I am still learning but I learned to really like rainbow colors of emotions. Babystep your way through. For me, depression lessened when I no longer needed to keep all those unruly emotions completely suppressed. I still control them because emotions and acting on them has consequences.

Thanks Kiki for an opportunity to share what I have learned about emotions. 

Wouldn't be as beautiful without the dark colors.