- After my latest incident with NF, I woke up this morning and I was glad
to be back in my "feel nothing" mode. Not angry, sad, hurt, etc. I
simply don't care.
This is a state I've worked hard to achieve so my NPs get kicked outta my head and become a non-issue in my day to day life.
DD's AA sponsor says we should give ourselves 24 hours to "wallow" in self-pity then let it go.
Your post made me wonder if maybe all this "letting go" isn't such a good thing. Maybe I have a right to feel hurt and truly pissed about the way my simple gesture of good-will was crapped all over or is it healthier to experience it briefly then move on?
I would love your honest opinion!
Here are the links to mulderfan situation:
http://muldrfan.blogspot.com/2012/06/again.html
http://muldrfan.blogspot.com/2012/06/snappy-come-backs-and-2020-hindsight.html
For years, I shut off emotion. I didn't realize how completely I did this until I was in counseling. I thought I was doing a good thing and encouraged (more along the lines of demanded) not to show any emotion. KavinCoach was amused that once I could feel the full gambit of emotions I tackled studying them much like I did computers or photography. I am a great believer in feelings and processing emotions. Too often, people get stuck in the feeling part and that is as far as it goes.
mulderfan is one of my online heroes and friend. Her relationship with her parents has helped guide me in dealing with my parents. Narcissistic parents drew us together each trying to figure out how to cope with totally unreasonable people.
This is MY OPINION! It is based on reading many of mulderfan's posts and my own experience.
mulderfan attempted to have a pleasant chat with her father on Father's day. He started out nasty and became nastier as the phone call proceeded. She chose to end the conversation early, unfortunately, not before he said some cruel things to her. In her first post, she expressed how angry she felt with him and herself. She acknowledged how she felt and did not put all the blame on her NF (narcissistic father) shoulders. She recognized that she could have stopped the conversation sooner. She did not victimize herself by letting him be the controlling person. She responded by firmly ending the conversation. (Read respond vs. react for an explanation why responding is important.) She then used a post to vent how angry she felt. She also contacted someone closer to her that knew her father and knew what kind of ass he could be. Hurray for mulderfan, she did not assume she was at fault as she was trained to do. She checked and received validation that her father behaved like an ass. She then had a second post that allowed her to express all the different things she could have said but didn't. She worked through possible scenarios that she prefers over how she did act on Father's day. Many comments allowed her to explore her feelings farther. When mulderfan read my post she reached that "feel nothing" mode. She wondered if this was healthy. I think she is getting healthier. All these feelings are a repeat performance so the processing time is being reduced. (Practice makes you faster at what you are doing.) Continuing to harbor feelings would only harm her since she has plenty of experience with how little her father cares about her feelings. To me, what she is doing now is setting the emotion level back to a level that she felt before the unpleasant encounter. Her solution...next time she calls (this is entirely up to her) she mentioned that she plans to put a note by the phone that says, "Hang up!" She felt and owned her emotions. She sat with them for awhile. Asked for and received validation from several sources. Then let the whole thing go. Bye - bye... Don't let the door hit you on the way out...Hasta la vista...I don't need to think about this any more.
2 comments:
Wow, Ruth! This brought tears to my eyes...in a good way! I'm the one who is honoured and grateful for the validation of a valuable friend.
We AAs are all about one day at a time and the 24 hour idea can be applied to lots of everyday challenges like this latest incident. I try to allow myself to experience the emotions, own my part in what happened, and let it go within the space of 24 hours.
Another piece of the puzzle is to LEARN from it and not repeat the behaviour. NF will get a card for his birthday in August not a phone call! This allows me to feel like a decent person without putting myself at risk.
Others might say, ignore him, and they are entitled to their opinion. I have to do what is right for me.
Hugs and a bit thank you! Love M/P
Your welcome. I like the idea of giving myself 24 hours. This would work for other things too like making decisions. I think your idea of sending a card is great. Thanks.
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