Take the initiative.
Great awesome cool.....I had no idea what they were talking about.
Counselors, friends and self-help books all give great advice not realizing that the listener is clueless about what they are saying. I remember one of my counseling sessions with KavinCoach. He was talking away explaining something that would be healthy to do. I watched him talk so enthusiastically. He suddenly stopped and looked at me, "You have no idea what I am talking about."
My quick reply, "Not a clue."
I could almost see him give a huge emotional sigh. Then he started explaining in much simpler terms after assuring me that he didn't mean to sound like he was talking down to me. I was ok with it since the second explanation made sense.
No childhood leaves out basic principles like boundaries, appropriate responses to anger, how to self protect, and the list goes on. This week I am back to reading Boundaries by Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend. I stopped reading it to take time to read another book on boundaries. I am now back to reading this one.
Finally, an explanation that I can understand.
Respond Don't React
When you react to something that someone says or does, you may have a problem with boundaries. If someone is able to cause havoc by doing or saying something, she is in control of you at that point, and your boundaries are lost When you respond, you remain in control, with options and choices.
If you feel yourself reacting, step away and regain control of yourself so family members can't force you to do or say something you do not want to do or say and something that violates your separateness. When you have kept your boundaries, choose the best option. The difference between responding and reacting is choice. When you are reacting, they are in control. When you respond, you are. (Page 141)
What What What... let me read that again...........
When you are reacting, they are in control.
When you respond, you are.
Did you read about the part where I can step back and regain control? How many times did I watch a narcissistic push for an instant answer...jump now....don't think, just do...boundaries in tatters or obliterated completely. Now, I get it. If I choose to respond to having my buttons pushed, I am in control. If I react, I am a puppet on a sting. All I need to do is put this into practice. Whew! That will be the hard part. I am cutting my strings.
4 comments:
This is a terrific tip. Of course, I'm still hoping I won't have to respond either. I just want them to leave me alone in peace.
You are so right about them demanding an immediate response. They've even filled in the response for me when I was too slow. I had to learn to think and measure what I said... hadn't thought of it quite like that: Like carpentry - measure twice and cut once.
When I was a young child, I think they pushed my buttons out of the purely sadistic pleasure of causing me to react so they would have more to scorn, to use against me, and to criticize and discredit me. Now I see their game. Don't know if it will help me or not, but at least I'm seeing things more clearly.
I agree vicariousrising. It is nice to have an option if needed.
I like your thinking Laurel, works for sewing too. :)
Brace I am sorry you had that experience. Learning to protect yourself is a huge step towards self care. Seeing the problem goes along way to solving it.
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