http://weareone-ruth.blogspot.com/2012/06/dont-know-what-to-look-for.html
Apparently I am not the only one that equated emotional safety with acceptance. Whenever I am presented with a problem I don't understand, I do research. This has come in very handy on numerous occasions. Wow. I found out 'Emotional Safety' is searched often enough that Google has a category for it. I am not the only one trying to understand emotional safety. I also found articles on toxic relationships which illustrate what it is not. Cutting into wood I would take away the part that was not the piece I was working on. Take away what isn't the object and you are left with what is. So I look at both types of articles. I learned that emotional safety can actually be measured since there is a physical response to feeling safe. I down loaded several technical papers and bookmarked a few links to revisit. One of the articles went so far to say "Emotional Safety: Cornerstone to healing." The author went on to say how important touch was to the healing process and how touch brings a feeling of safety..... Well Sh*t, damn it all to hell...... I was methodically taught that touch was not safe. I am a very tactile person. I go through a fabric store touching the fabric. However, as soon as a person touches me I tense up and the last thing I feel is relaxed or safe. Other articles explained other aspects of emotional safety and once again I feel damn it that is so not my life. I studied further and realized more clearly the cruelty of the pedophile neighbor that taught me through brutal training to disassociate from any emotion. I am reconnecting now but I don't feel confident or safe with my own emotions let alone anyone else's. I am starting to really understand why KavinCoach called me an emotional moron. The damage was so extensive in my childhood that the simplest emotions are a minefield to tiptoe through. Boundary violations of every kind leave me with a strong opinion that people are not safe. This is going to be far more difficult than I anticipated. I am interested in your ideas on emotional safety. If you don't want your comment posted, just state in the first line not to post your comment. Thank you.
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| Crumbs....I am just going to curl up here for a moment. |
7 comments:
LMAO, I call myself an emotional moron all the time.
I have a lot of trouble with being touched by people. A friend once observed that I need a lot of personal space and others have noticed how I lean away unconsciously when people begin to get too near. My parents called me cold. It's all about safety, though. It's interesting to me that my parents derided me about it, but others, even perfect strangers, treated it with concern and respect.
I like the distinction between safety and acceptance.
I do think that for those with trauma a step-by-small-step approach is best. Anything else risks being re-traumatising.
Touch will not be emotionally safe for those who have been physically or sexually abused. This too can be addressed with small steps. Being able to receive nurturing touch provides a level of support that other modes can't I think.
Hello Ruth
IMO, to feel emotionally safe, you need to have a parent/s who will love you enough to just let you be yourself. It’s very stressful if you are constantly worried about making a mistake (probably where I got my anxiety disorder!). I can’t help feeling that NPs seem to want cardboard cut-out children.
Love the picture, I know that feeling!
Cold, clammy and sweating all at the same time. That sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that sometimes led to vomiting. Tears barely held back and a sort of rushing in the ears.
That's what I experienced almost daily growing up. I thought it meant they were right: I was a liar who belonged in a mental hospital and I was filled with feelings of guilt and shame for being less perfect than they were.
Now I know that was my body reacting to fear and stress.
I still get occasional twinges, a sort of niggling feeling of having done something wrong.
I'm just starting to learn about emotional safety, but I feel very drawn down when I'm around people, and I hate being in a group. Like I have an internal shield up, always gauging whether or to what degree they're anything like my NFOO. I prefer e-mail and internet to phone or face-to-face conversations, because there's a buffer zone between me and the other person's presence and emotional force. And I don't like dealing with more than one person at a time.
Darn... and I thought I was doing so well. Now, what?
I look forward to learning along with you.
viacriousrising, sad but nice to know I am not alone in being an emotional moron. I agree strangers show more concern than my parents, too. Thanks.
Evan, I like your step-by-small step reminder. Interesting that you like the safety and acceptance separated. Makes sense in a way that I can feel safe without being accepted. Thanks for your perspective.
Molly, parents that care that way are not going to happen for me. Not an option, so I will be working on plan B, how to achieve this without the parents. I do agree that my mother wanted paper dolls instead of real people for children.
mulderfan you just described exactly how I feel at every confrontation and most counseling sessions. In my opinion you have done many things right. Thanks for the excellent description of the opposite of emotional safety. Sometimes the right words are helpful when I am sharing how I feel with NewCounselor.
Brace that is a ditto for me and groups of people. Interesting that when I am tackling a problem I prefer to do it by email too.
Laurel, you'll get a double dose. Here on the blog and when we go walking. I am so going to being talking about this on Saturday. Thanks for being with me on this journey.
Person that I didn't post, thank you for writing. What you shared touched my heart.
I woke up this morning feeling crumby, all your comments lifted my heart. Thank you.
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