Handling Feedback

One of the difficult things about child abuse is in the process of surviving the child does not learn necessary life skills.  There is a twisted logic to not learning to plant if you won't live long enough to reap the harvest.  Long term child abuse victims often do not believe they will live long enough to grow up.  Day to day survival becomes the total focus.  One of the components of counseling was to learn needed life skills.  In human relationships at some point there is usually feedback.  Anthony Fernando suggests there are 3 types of feed back and suggestions on how to handle each.

Types of feedback and how to handle them.

http://www.anthonyfernando.com/2007/08/21/how-to-handle-feedback/

Positive Feedback 
 This one was so tough for me.  Positive feedback, compliment, kind words, I didn't know how to handle them.  KavinCoach complimented me every session on something.  Took quite a few years to learn that the appropriate response is "Thank you."  Even more years to believe him.  :)


Constructive Negative Feedback
 This is my favorite kind.  I was introduced to critique's in my college photography class.  I didn't understand at first.  The professor explained that if you had something negative to say about a picture, back it up with concrete reasons.  If you had something positive to say, back that up with concrete reasons.  The professor described a critique as a knowledgeable discussion of a piece of work.  I learned to value these discussions, not just for improving my own work but to see the real value in someone else's work.  I learned to love critique days.


Destructive Negative Feedback
 This one was the one I knew best.  I took it to heart and worked so hard to become a 'better' person not understanding that it was impossible since this type of feedback is more about the sender then the receiver.  One of the powerful things I learned in counseling that this type of feed back is NOT about me. 

I learned how to recognize each one by how I feel when I receive it.  At first, positive feedback felt uncomfortable that I didn't deserve it.  Eventually, I recognized it because I feel so good. Constructive negative feedback I recognize it because I feel energized ready to stretch my thinking.  Destructive negative feedback feels icky.  Kind of like being hit by a slime ball, all messed up with no progress.  Allowing my feelings to be my guide improves my accuracy as to which is intended.  I am also learning that I can give feedback on feedback I receive.  If it doesn't make any sense, I check in with the sender to see if I heard something I didn't hear clearly.  (I often double check since I am hard of hearing.) I believe that hearing, understanding, accepting or rejecting feedback is a social skill that I am leaning to use to improve relationships.