What promotes learned helplessness

Ruthless Compassion Institute

Some people feel compelled to rescue others. This usually comes from their experiences in childhood where there parent(s) demanded that the child be responsible for taking care of the adults(s). When a child grows up this way, the lesson is that love is obtained through care-taking & rescuing. This pattern continues throughout adult life until the person learns that there's something fundamentally wrong with this idea. Rescuing other adults makes no sense. Unless the person is truly unable to care for themselves b/c of mental or physical incapacity, they don't need us to rescue them. In fact, rescuing a capable adult only enables them to remain in a helpless, victim role in which they are disempowered & subject to the control of others. It's far more compassionate to allow another adult to take responsibility for themselves & realize that they're capable of self-care. When we rescue, we infantalize others. Choosing not to rescue is being respectful to them. For our part, there will be no love coming out of our attempts to care-take & rescue. That's not how love works. Rescuing, in fact, usually creates mutual resentment, as the rescuer feels overwhelmed by the enormous burden of their task & the rescued person feels humiliated by their role - even when it's what they've chosen. Care-taking & rescuing are lose-lose propositions. It's time to give up this no-win dynamic.

I was raised to take care of my mother.  I remember instructions at my youngest age in memory that I had to make sure that I met mother's needs.  I was to get my house chores done and do whatever she asked me to do, no matter what.  I was a 'bad' daughter if I didn't meet her needs and make sure she was happy......worse training in the world - crippled my mother and crippled me.  I knew about the story of what happens to baby chicks if someone breaks their shell for them.  I knew about what happens to butterflies if someone else cuts open the coccoon.  I knew I could only change myself but my underlying attitude when I started counseling was, "Here I am...FIX HIM."  Yup.  I totally missed the point.  Then our counselor let me know, very gently, that I was broken and needed serious reconstruction work that I had to do.  I knew that...however it took a lot of falling down before I understood that not only did my counselor know it, he lived it.  He coached and expected me to run the course.  Here is the weirdness, in helping my mother I weakened myself.  In rescuing her, I was drowning.  As long as I focused on someone else, I couldn't thrive...so where does service come into all of this?  Where does helping one another become valuable?  What did I miss?

the person is truly unable to care for themselves b/c of mental or physical incapacity

You see I missed the point about doing what they can't do for themselves.  I missed the point of the value of working side by side in a shared goal.  Not taking their job but working beside them and the camaraderie engendered by working toward a goal.  I watch my children with their children and see the need to take care of an infant that can not feed themselves, care for themselves, protect themselves.  My daughter pointed out that they even need to learn how to jump.  My grandson proudly showed off his newly acquired skill.  He jumped.  Carrying him now is met with resistance and resentment...after all now he can jump and walking is down right easy for him. I still like serving others but now I check in with them to see if that is how they want to be served.  I learned to cheerfully take no for an answer. 

I got your back.