Guilt and Grace

“For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourself: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast.” (Eph. 2:8–9.)

My past stayed quiet for many years.  I started counseling a little over 10 years ago.  At the time, I was asked to tell about my childhood.  I answered cheerfully, "It was great, we went to the park and the zoo."  My counselor than asked me to describe an 'average' day....nothing....I knew nothing.  I often felt guilty for having brutal bouts of depression with what I believed no reason.  I didn't know about triggers, flashbacks, or dissociation.  I believed and continue to believe in Christ.  I believed that my prayers led me to choosing KavinCoach as my first counselor.  I believed that his guidance would lead me to where I needed to go with my life at the time.  What I didn't suspect would be the crushing feelings of guilt as I peeled back the onion layers of my life causing long suppressed tears to flow and horrors remembered.  KavinCoach gave me a book on dealing with guilt....I returned it after only a few pages.  I couldn't makes heads or tails of any of it.  My blanks in my memory are still large enough to drive a Mac truck through.  I still wonder where all the feelings of guilt come from.  I remembered enough that I know that the violence I lived in spilled out of me too.  I remember key events through Junior High and High School that I made significant choices to change my behavior.  I kept doing more and more and more trying to resolve the deep feelings of guilt.  KavinCoach and MyCounselor both of talked to me about my feelings, the topic of my feelings of guilt recur over and over.  I was well on my way to accepting that this would be a work in progress and I felt I was making head way.  A month ago an event occurred that caused me to once again doubt my progress....to wonder what events occurred that still disturb me so deeply.  Years ago, KavinCoach counseled me to study the Apostle Paul.  As Saul he persecuted Christians, his life changed on the road to Damascus where he was headed to round up Christians to bring them back to Jerusalem in chains to face trials.  He held the coats of those that stoned Stephen.  Saul was well acquainted with the violence that man does to man.  (Woman to woman also.) His change was so dramatic and so extreme he was blinded for a time.  In college, I sang "Saul." (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5uKhbD37ysQ)  I still remember several sections of the music.  It impacted me then.  Yesterday, my sister and I were walking and talking, I call it Sister Therapy.  I was sharing with her my recent struggles with feelings of guilt.  I studied several articles but felt dissatisfied with the conclusions the authors drew about the scripture above.  I suddenly stopped.  I realized that Apostle Paul meant what he said.  Paul's early life as Saul the persecutor of Christians he understood great crimes against his fellow men.  During his conversion process he was tormented by the heavy guilt of his sins.  Paul understands making terrible choices with long term permanent consequences.  He understands violence.  He understands change.  He understands that there are consequences that no amount of work on his part could repair.  Apostle Paul understands being saved by Grace.


Amazing Grace https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oSd6oJfiUFE

Celtic Women sing Amazing Grace
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsCp5LG_zNE&list=RD02CDdvReNKKuk