Shame

Years ago KavinCoach tried to help me with my feelings of shame for what I did in the past.  I didn't get it.  On this list of 10 things you must give up to move forward by Marc #2 I need to give up my shame for past failures.  I have a problem with this that I am struggling with.  The pedophile in my life felt no shame for how he treated me.  My mother feels no shame for the words she used with me.  Both see nothing wrong with hurting me.  I do not want to be like either one of them.  I am also to the point of my healing that I recognize that shame can and has been used to control me.  I am working on how shame can be used to help me recognize when I have violated the rights of someone else.  I believe shame can be a motivator for change.  I don't want the opinions of others to control my life yet I don't want to go through life stomping on other people and leaving a wake of destruction behind me.  I believe that the lack of shame in society is part of the reason why people in position of power continue to hurt others.  They see nothing wrong with taking advantage of other people.  They steam roller their way through life then feel no shame for hurting others.  I believe that shame can be a useful motivator to improving how I treat others.  I believe shame can set me in the direction of speaking more kindly and treating others with the loving care that I would like to receive.  I also believe that like all good things it can be twisted into a hideous whip to beat me down until I feel like I can never make things right.  I agree with Marc that my past does not equal my future.  I disagree that all that matters is what I do right now.  If I hurt someone yesterday, I need to make restitution and make it right today.  My today is available to me to make corrections to improve how I treat people around me.  Shame can motivate me in that direction.  On the other side of this coin, shame is one of the manipulative tools used by narcissistics to get me to buckle under their despotic rule.  I am going to be working on this one for the next little while to see where shame fits into my life understanding.  I don't want shame to beat me down but I also don't want to go through life with no shame if I did something to hurt someone else.  #2 is one of those statements that can look good on the surface but has hidden pit falls that need to be revealed.  I will be working on this over the next few weeks.  

The ground around this pit revealed nothing of its hideous depths.

Gathering up pieces from my past I have opportunities to correct past mistakes.