Indecisive

I am working my way through a list of 10 things I must give up to move forward according to Marc.  #3 I must give up being indecisive about what I want.  I am chuckling over this one as in my minds eye I am remembering what I did the first time KavinCoach asked me what I wanted out of life.  I stared at him and didn't answer.  I was seething inside.  This was one of the many times he inadvertently stomped on a hot button.  (He usually really tried to avoid them but I had many, many of them.) The following week I brought back an Almond Joy candy bar with a monster fish hook sticking up through the word Joy.  I figured the only reason he wanted to know what I wanted was to sugar coat a hook and manipulate me.  Over time I realized the rage covered my mourning the loss of my dreams stomped to death before they had a chance to grow.  I am regaining my dreams.  It is easier to be decisive when I have a clue as to what I want.  The hardest thing for abuse survivors to do is resuscitate shattered dreams.  It was difficult for me to know that I had a choice.  It was hard to believe that I could know what I wanted without someone contradicting me and telling me how I should feel.  I was so afraid of making the 'wrong decision' I didn't decide on anything.  The curiosity came from my job as a computer tech.  I became very good at fixing computers.  I could make a decision, defend my ideas, prove someone else wrong, fight for what I believed was right but when it came to my personal wishes and desires I completely shut down.  Shortly after I started counseling, I became friends with a lady that I met in a group for abuse survivors.  It wasn't a regular group therapy.  We kind of bonded there and started going out to dinner or lunch about once every two months.  The first time we went out we agonized over which restaurant.  We struggled over the menu and if we were brought something we didn't order we ate whatever we were given.  Now, we adventurously try different things, we decided what we wanted, and we both knew it would go right back to the kitchen if it didn't taste good.  We both changed so much over the last 10 years.  We agreed, it is much easier to make a decision when you know what you want and believe you can get it. 

Lost dreams

Dreams renewed.