Not about the weight.....

Judy pointed out in a comment yesterday that part of my issue about compliments on loosing weight is not about my weight but how I feel about my body.  It really got me thinking today.  (I had plenty of time to think while driving around for a couple of hours today.)  I don't talk much about how I feel about my body.  It is a real struggle for me.  One of the advantages of dissociation was my past was so far removed from me I didn't think much about my body.  Reconnecting me to my past and the emotions I felt raised my awareness level of my body.  I wore clothes too big for me then gained weight to fit my clothes.  When my daughter persuaded me to come to zumba, she watched me hide in the corners doing my best to avoid the floor to ceiling mirrors.  Even if I ended up in front of a mirror, I wouldn't look at myself even to make sure I was doing the steps right.  My body and I are not friends.  I felt betrayed by my body for being so sickly....I spent almost 3 years as a semi-invalid in my 30's.  My body really topped things off by getting cancer over 12 years ago.  I described my life style and medical history to my follow up surgeon and she informed me that I should never had cancer.  I had done everything humanly possible not to get cancer and I did any way.  I jokingly asked my doctor to explain to my body that it wasn't supposed to have cancer.  My body is a mess; years of neglect, scars from cancer, other ongoing health problems, dance really underlines how awkward I feel in my own skin.  Remembering some of the things that happened to me as a child, more than once I had a desire to crawl out of my own skin.  Sexual abusers intensify their victims suffering with humiliation, blaming and shaming.  Both my counselors spent quite a bit of time trying to help me feel comfortable with my body.  This summer was a programmed effort of changing my eating habits and body care.  I don't believe in dieting because the weight goes right back on when I stop dieting and eat as I did before loosing weight.  Myfitnesspal.com is helping me to change my view of food and what I put in my body.  (Yes, a chocolate fudge brownie is outstandingly delicious and I still eat them, just not as many of them.) I also increased my exercise.  Myfitnespal tracks that too.  I am starting to see significant changes in my body...but I am still struggling with feeling slightly embarrass by the skin I am in.