Epiphany

There is no gravity. The earth sucks.  Graf Fito

This week I am evaluating my past compared to my present. I hit several mile stones that indicated to me the progress I am making. I am not 'out-of-the-woods' yet.  That's OK.  I know in my heart I will make it. 

This week I pondered over PTSD*, DID**, my childhood and my survival.  I realized that PTSD did not cause DID.  My childhood from hell caused the splits as a survival mechanism.  Elaborate, powerful, and unlike what most people do.  By openly writing a book on integration and blogging about being a multiple, I am getting to know others that used or are using this powerful survival tool.   DID wasn't the cause of PTSD.  Both are symptoms of severe abuse and a reaction to things my mind still refuses to remember.  I now accept that God's greatest gift to me was to forget.  Only my body didn't forget.  My mind repressed and depressed my memories but all it took were some triggers to cause eruptions.  Some of those eruptions were violent flashbacks or nightmares or mind floods of memories.  Unfortunately, the information was scrambled into shards too small to glimpse the image until more and more of them were piled together.   In my book (link at the bottom of the page) I tell the story of my counselor assuring me I was like everyone else.  I bring in my puzzle pieces and we sort them out.  I felt such relief until KavinCoach finished up with, "You just happen to be a 10,000 piece puzzle."  I worked hard in counseling and integrated my fragmented parts of myself.  Shocked me to realize the PTSD was still there.  Only I didn't have the powerful survival tool to make it through my day.  Instead, I am cramming a childhood and teenage years worth of learning how to function into a few years.  I am finally starting to catch up.  I learned that DID controlled me.  Yes, I survived.  Yes, I could control PTSD but I didn't have many choices on how to behave in a situation; DID took over first.  Like the type of reflex you have when your knee gets smacked by the little hammer by the doctor.  It simply happened on a primitive survival level.  I feel the DID was such a blessing in my life to keep living.  However, a major trigger occurred over 20 years ago and PTSD smashed DID.  Instead of helping me, my multiple personalities kept me from solving problems differently than when I did as a child.  20 years ago I had a 'Shadow Warrior' that beat me daily, destroying my body, my mind and my relationships with those I love.  That 'Shadow Warrior' has a name now PTSD.  Unfortunately, DID stopped being an effective survival tool and became part of the problem.  I was no longer in an environment that warranted full body armor.  I needed to learn new tools of negotiation, assertiveness, boundaries, and other tools that I learned from KavinCoach and NewCounselor.  DID interfered with me learning these new lessons.  I am thankful KavinCoach taught me what I needed to know to integrate.  I am thankful for DID, my 5 personalities and my mutes, for making it possible to survive long enough to find a teacher that could help me.  My epiphany, I am thankful for splitting into multiple personalities and integration. 



*Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
**Dissociative Identity Disorder 

10,000 Puzzle Pices