Time to think

10 years since cancer and 9/11.  While driving to work, I thought about how difficult this anniversary was for me.  I pondered about how I survived cancer and my heart still grieves for others that suffered or died that terrible day but I discovered a new layer I hadn't paid attention to before.  I realized that morning the events of 9/11 and my total lack of reaction was the first strong indicator that I did not react like everyone else.  The personality that was present at the time felt nothing, no connection, no sorrow, no sense of horror.  I looked around the room and recognized that my reaction was extremely different.  I would say in that moment of time I was the definition of extremely dissociated.  Some one asked me what it was like to be dissociated.  That would be it.  You feel nothing.  No connection to people or events either past or present.  In a room full of people you feel utterly and completely alone and you don't care.  I recognized on an intellectual level that I should feel something.  I wasn't connected enough to know what I should pretend to feel.  I didn't get into counseling for another 2 years.  My reaction troubled me but I had nothing in my experience to explain what was wrong.  I also didn't know I had multiple personalities.  I just felt like I must be a terrible person to not feel anything that tragic day.  9/11 was a wake up call to the nation that this world was not safe from people dedicated to destruction of others.  It was a wake up call to me.  I needed help but didn't understand enough to form a question.  I started counseling a couple of years later wanting to know more about how to communicate.  I had no idea what I was walking into.  I am thankful for Heavenly Father's guidance to KavinCoach.  I have had quite the journey.