Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Gracious Receiving
Christmas time is a time for presents. Oh yea! What am I giving for Christmas? What can I find in my budget? It is better to give than receive...Right? One of the interesting things I needed to learn from my counselor was how to receive graciously. I needed to learn it from my counselor since I didn't learn it from my parents. Almost every gift I have ever given to my parents has been returned to me. My mother insists that she can't have all that clutter in her house. (Did I ever mention my mother is a clutter bug?) Not only will she insist returning the presents I give her but the ones I give my Dad. I was stumped. How do I give a present to someone who rejects everything? I used to think it was important to make all the gifts I gave. I quickly learned that was not one of my talents. Plus spending a bunch of time then having it given back or tossed in a closet became a little too much for me. I changed the game plan. Give a gift that if I get it back, I can use it. Or buy cut flowers, after enjoying them, she can gleefully throw them away. So I have a few million hang ups about getting presents. Yup, I spent several after Christmas sessions with KavinCoach explaining to me the importance and how to receive gifts graciously. He talked to me about not expecting people to read my mind. If the gift isn't quite what I had hoped for, look at the intent. Most importantly, stop attaching so much importance to the gift. The people are the important part. After a couple of years of lectures after each Christmas, I learned a few things that are important for me. I am a good person and deserve to receive presents. I sometimes have to make myself stop singing the 'stupid' Christmas song that I learned when I was a kid, "I'm gett'n nutt'n for Christmas, I'm gett'n nutt'n at all, I'm gett'n nutt'n for Christmas, 'cause I ain't been nutt'n but bad." Watching my mother, she seems to go into this martyr mode that is super annoying. Like it is some great tragedy that we give her a gift. Not pretty. I do not need to follow her example. Another thing I learned is it is really hard for someone else to give me a present if I don't share what things I enjoy. If I don't let another person get to know me, gift giving becomes generic since they don't know me well enough to give any other kind of gift. This is a challenge since I have monster size trust issues. As a child, my fondest desires were used to manipulate and hurt me. Now, I remind myself that the people in my life care about me and I can let them get to know me. I am very thankful that KavinCoach opened my eyes to how to receive gifts graciously. Now I enjoy giving gifts and I enjoy receiving gifts. I find real pleasure in the anticipation of sharing gifts.
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7 comments:
Having been through the relearning process, with the most amazing friends on the planet, I'm glad you're relearning.
Having exhausted every gift idea in an attempt to not have them returned with a nasty put down from my NF, I finally started taking them to their favourite upscale restaurant causing great damage to my budget. After a couple of years, which lulled me into thinking I was finally doing the right thing, even that got tossed back in my face. Now I'm sure everyone is told I am a mean-spirited Grinch who isn't even going for a visit.
It was pointed out that I can't accept a compliment. But you and I are willing to change and learn. There's the difference, Ruth. Unlike our parents we recognized our "dysfunction" sought help.
Progress not perfection!
Hello Ruth
Today’s post gave me a lot of food for thought!
When you give someone a gift it’s an act of kindness, so when that gift is rejected it is a rejection of the gift giver also and is very damaging to one’s self-esteem. I have experienced it and it does feel like a physical blow. The person rejecting the gift is showing a complete lack of thought and respect.
I remember sending my mother a beautiful bouquet through inter-flora as a surprise for her birthday. I made her a lovely cake and took it round later that day. She was very cold towards me and after about an hour she suddenly said without even looking at me. “Those flowers are in the other room if you want to look at them”. Later, as I was leaving, she said “Cake is very fattening and she handed it to me.” I was stunned!
I do know how you feel Ruth; these people are very thoughtless and at the end of the day are only cutting off their nose to spite their face. They are the one s that will lose out in the end.
It is wonderful that you have found the true joy of giving and receiving. Good for you!
XX Molly
Laurel, I am glad you learned such a lovely way. :)
Thanks mulderfan, you are so right you and I are willing to learn. Thanks for your encouragement. I love that quote, Progress not perfection!
(((Molly))) hugs to you Molly, sorry this was your experience. Both were lovely thoughts and show you cared and like you said rejecting the gift is their loss. Thank you for adding your experience to the post.
oh i see a lot of my own hangups in what you mentioned of your difficulties with receiving presents in the past. i can learn a lot from you. :)
Hats I am glad to pass on what I have learned. Take care, Ruth
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