I think everyone has a story or two or three... about presents at Christmas time. I have lived long enough to have had some poor Christmas's when we bought a tree on Christmas Eve for a dollar. We also had a Christmas that we bought everything we wanted and a few things we didn't care about to just max out the spending. Interesting thing is that the thing I remember most are the quest for the perfect present, not for myself, but for one of my kids or husband. I actually did the phone calling and then drove over 30 miles to get just the right Power Ranger. I think the magic of Internet is now you just go online and get what ever you were searching for. The real struggle was could I figure out what that person wanted more than anything else. I had some complete failures. I also had some spectacular hits. I did notice that the most expensive present wasn't always the winner. I am fascinated to watch my own children go on quest to find the gift that touches someone else and brings together a feeling of love not because of the gift but because you meet someone else's wish. I struggled for a long time as to what to do about not commercializing Christmas to the point that all my kids wanted was to 'gimme, gimme.' Mostly I wanted to avoid hurt feelings or feeling left out or all the negative things about Christmas wishes unmet. Santa was a struggle for me and will have his own post. The gift giving now is way different. We plan to give the gift that is almost never returned, cash. However, I noticed I didn't really like doing only that. To a little kid, money has no meaning or value. Grandkids under age 6 are not too impressed. I never remember getting anything from my grandparents so I had no guidelines. I finally decided to make or buy something for the grand kids... I don't expect my offering to be the best or most important present. I would just be pleased that when someone asked them where they got a present I would like them to be able to answer, "Grandma." I am slowly figuring out what I think would be just right for Christmas, not too big or expensive. I tend towards art supplies and things they can be creative with. No matter what I get, I feel good giving it.
One of my widgets pointed me to an interesting article about offerings. I felt their title overly optimistic, or the author had never met a narcissistic.
http://www.inspirationline.com/rss/28NOV2011.htm
Flylady taught me about Paying It Forward.
http://www.flylady.net/
KavinCoach had me watch a movie called Pay It Forward.
http://payitforward.warnerbros.com/Pay_It_Forward/
Why was I so interested in learning about gift giving?
Interspersed with normal childhood ups and downs about presents I had experienced gift giving hell. I know now that any gift I give to some members of my family will be given back or discarded. One solution was giving NM flowers. She enjoyed the gift and then enjoyed throwing them away when they died. I spent hours making gifts for one person only to find out the gift was tossed in a closet and quickly forgotten. I have also had gifts that I have given never taken out of the box until after the warranty expired. I was in search of understanding gift giving. I learned about the
5 Love Languages and that for some people a small gift meant everything and other people the best present in the world meant nothing. I finally have come to my own conclusion. A successful gift is the one that helps me to connect with someone else. I am so excited to see the grandkids opening their gifts. Cool thing about this type of present is it doesn't need to wait until Christmas. A concept I was taught as a child and now value is a 'Just-because-it-is-Tuesday' gift which you never give on Tuesday. It is an offering, a bit of sharing, a connection with someone else.
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| Spirit of Giving |
8 comments:
Hello Ruth
A NS family member has Christmas all sewn up. She loves receiving lots of gifts and so orders all her own presents and those for her husband from various catalogues. These are then delivered to her parent’s house where they are duly wrapped and gift tagged by her mother ready for her husband to collect on Christmas Eve… Strange but true!!
The most disappointing gift I ever received was from my mother-in-law. She gave me a beautifully wrapped present in the shape of a box. On removing the paper I found an expensive looking box depicting cut crystal wine glasses on the lid. Wow! I thought, but my joy was short lived when on opening the box I was confronted with a luminous red bri-nylon knitted bobble hat and matching fingerless mittens. To add insult to injury the hat contained several grey hairs and she wanted me to try it on in front of the family; which I declined. I sometimes like to fool around but I am nobody’s fool!
They were presented to Oxfam the moment their doors opened after Christmas. I was absolutely astonished when a local resident walked by a few days later wearing them.
XXMolly
Thanks Molly, Gifts do have an odd way of being for someone else's sometimes. Ordering all your own presents sounds like an interesting way not to be disappointed. Adventures in presents can vary in so many ways. :)
Can't remember a SINGLE Xmas that wasn't marred by one of NF's rages! I realize now it was because he wasn't the center of attention!
Even as a child, who had saved up her allowance, my NF returned gifts along with a put down. The past few years I've tried taking my NPs to their favourite, ridiculously expensive and pretentious, restaurant. Having them safely in public, busy putting on airs, worked for a while but, as you know, even that did not please NF for my NM's birthday in May.
I LOVE the "5 Love Languages" but, of course, a narcissists would never "get" them!
At this time of year, I actually pity these people! Imagine wallowing in your miserable nastiness while everyone else is feeling the joy and love that giving and receiving gifts at Xmas brings to us "normal" people.
Thanks for this one! Love P/M
Interesting that Molly would bring up about buying own gifts. I remember as an adult buying gifts and wrapping them myself, all year long, because I wanted to be able to open presents I knew I actually wanted. Interestingly enough, after two years of doing that, I didn't need to anymore. My thinking shifted.
The article is great but definitely doesn't address dealing with Ns. It's one thing not to expect anything in return; it's another to have your gift used as a weapon against you, a way of belittle you. I believe in not casting your pearls before swine.
Thank God I've been blessed with friends who have taught me about giving and receiving.
I love the idea of presents being a way to connect with someone....I struggle with the whole concept of buying presents, but I like that way of looking at it. Hope your grandkids enjoy their gifts!
(((P/M))) Narcissistic rages seem to be heightened by Christmas. At a time of peace, their furry over some small offense seems ludicrous. I some times consider Ns "joy suckers." They can suck the joy right out of any thing including Christmas. I think pity is a way to view them without buying into their nastiness.
(((Laurel))) you are blessed to have friends that taught you what your N parents could not. Joyful giving and receiving.
(((ellen))) I looked for a long time on a way to view gift giving with out strings of 'you owe me', 'rejection', and applies to when I have randomly given a gift to a person I don't know. I have had so many gifts returned to me that I needed a way to view gifts that would take out some of the anxiety.
Oooh I learned about the 5 love languages last year and it revolutionized how i see people. thanks for the reminder about that!
also i'm a big believer in pay it forward, i wish we could all feel that same urge to do it.
this is a great post, Ruth, thanks for all the great reminders of important things! :)
Incidentally, what love language do you receive best in?
Hats, I had to think for awhile about your question. I finally decided my answer is I don't know which of the 5 love languages is mine. The hardest question I was ever asked by my counselor is, "What do you want?" The first time he asked I stared at him blankly. To survive, I put what I wanted out of my life. Now I am trying to learn. I hope that soon I will be able to answer this question.
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