To love someone is to identify with them. AristotleOne of the struggles I encounter with doing things for myself is my past. Yup. That pesky past haunts me. Raised by a narcissistic mother anything I did for myself I was accused of being selfish. So I interpreted self-care as selfish. KavinCoach was the first one to start explaining to me that this is not true. Since then, I have tried to get a working definition that would clarify for me the difference. Walking with Judy this morning, we talked about another incident with a narcissistic. What I finally came up with this morning is that in self-care I expect myself to take care of myself. If selfish, the expectation is for someone else to take care of myself. I understand that I can not do all things for myself, like counseling, so I need to ask someone else to help me take care of me. For me, the difference is not in the needing someone else but how I ask, the gratitude I feel afterward, whether or not I am considerate of their needs and am I willing to reciprocate and meet their needs. I like KavinCoach's description of a symbiotic relationship where people help each other without absorbing each other. I could be totally wrong but I believe that when a selfish person ask for help they totally take over the other person without thought or consideration of their needs. However, when a person that is self-caring asks for help they check in with the other person if it will interfere with their needs. They are considerate of others. An infant is the epitome of selfish. If they are hungry, they will cry and wake up the parents to feed them. This is expected because of their age and it is not something they can do for themselves. A selfish adult would also wake up someone else to feed them even though it is something they could do for themselves. A self-care person would feed themselves a midnight snack trying to be as quiet as possible so as not to disturb others in the house that are sleeping. Babies need to be cared for. It is the expectation of the parents to do that. Part of the growing up process is to go from expecting someone else to take care of you to being independent and caring for yourself. I am not sure this is making sense to anyone else. I am condensing years of thinking this over into a few sentences. This coming year one of my goals based on I love myself so I will take care of myself. This spins off several things to do. I will be careful about what I eat. Make sure I take my medication. Go to my dental appointments.... From one concept is a bunch of things I need to do to meet that goal. Self-care is an essential part of being an adult. I can do this without being selfish. The balance will take some time to work out but by checking in with others that are in my life I can achieve this.
9 comments:
I think selfish people demand our help then seldom, if ever, reciprocate or express gratitude. They don't view the giver as a friend or equal but see them as a subordinate.
When self-caring people need help they humbly request it and are ready to return the favour and express their thanks with both words and actions.
The difference lies in the motives and humility of the person sking for the help.
Until recently I never asked for anyone's help but struggled with things that were often too much for me to carry alone. Now I find myself asking for help and being humbled by the thoughtfulness of others and surprised by the joy they seem to get from helping mr.
I've often helped people in the past but then denied them the chance to reciprocate. Now I understand THAT was selfish of me!
Hugs P/M
It makes sense to me. :-)
Hello Ruth
Many narcissistic parents want their children to be codependent, it suits them, because they like to be in control. It takes a long time to get out of that mind-set and I can see you are doing that; good for you!
Like the proverb says, ‘Love many, trust few, and always paddle your own canoe’.
XX Molly
HI Ruth, it makes sense to me. I think you put it clearly.
Thanks P/M for sharing your experience and pointing out that accepting help from others is healthy.
Thank you Laurel, also thank you for all the hours of listening to me as I worked this out.
You are right Molly, keeping me codependent was their goal. What is interesting they also resented me being codependent.
Thank you Evan, I appreciate your encouragement.
Those are good distinctions to make. I often feel quite selfish because I mostly just take care of my own needs. But caring for oneself is not selfish, it's a prerequisite for caring for other people. And it's a good thing in itself also I think.
I noticed too that after years of neglect I had a lot to do to repair damage and learn how to maintain my daily care.
this is a huuuuuge topic, and thank you for bringing it to our attention. I think we'll be writing about this on our own blog. Thanks, as always, for the inspiration, Ruth. :)
Your welcome Hats. I am glad it gave you something for your blog too. :)
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