I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.Agatha Christie
In counseling, often you have 3 steps forward with 5 steps back or 2 steps forward and 1 step back. "Progress" is difficult to calculate when this forward and back business feels a little bit like you are on a rocking horse. However, rocking horses can move a bit. Christmas time seems to be a time when I gauge my progress, which is great idea for me since from my progress I will decide my goals for the next year. Nine Christmases with counseling turn my life inside out in so many ways. I am starting to feel the stress and the strain of the holiday which should be absurd, our kids are all grown, the main celebration is at one of my kids house, I am employed, but Christmas has a strange effect on me. Tonight in counseling I discussed a trigger that didn't seem to be there 4 weeks ago. Then I realized 4 weeks ago, I wasn't feeling as much strain emotionally. Kind of like when your glass is half full of water a few extra drops don't matter, but if your glass is filled until the water is bulging above the rim, a single drop can break the surface tension and create a cascading mess. I am feeling a bit like Mount Saint Helens all those years ago just before she blew off half her side. I poke and prod at the bulge but still no clue as to the source of building inner tension. I sometimes wish I could be different and just laugh merrily through the holiday. NewCounselor suggested that I am approaching the problem totally from the wrong direction. He suggested to stop looking in my past for clues and instead look at where I am and decide where I want to go, another paradigm shift. Actually, that is why I choose to continue counseling their ideas nudge, pull, encourage, or shove me out of my negative loop and get me to look at possibilities I hadn't considered before. Then I realized the problem lay in I don't know where I am at. Of course, no one has this problem except me. (I really need to learn how to make fonts so I can create a sarcasm font.)
Evan over at Living Authentically reminded us that we can Have Fun!
http://www.livingauthentically.org/2011/12/have-fun/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+LivingAuthentically+%28Living+Authentically%29
To each person fun means something different. For me at this time of year it means driving around to look at Christmas lights. So tomorrow night, I am going to enjoy the Christmas lights.
Here's a link to one of the displays on line. The side bar gives you a whole lot more...HAVE FUN!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTbpuQzMnxA
4 comments:
I was just thinking about this!! And thinking that I'm not having a whole lot of funny right now, but then I'm madly prepping documents for submission. Thanks for asking me along to see the lights. It will make me stop and breathe. :-) ~Judy
Hi Ruth
Try to focus on one thing at a time (I do this to avoid anxiety), try not to think too far ahead and please don’t look back. If we spend too much time looking back how can we enjoy today.
Thanks for the link to the Christmas Lights, they were lovely.
XX Molly
Hi Ruth,
Thanks for the mention.
I think we pay attention to the past when it interrupts our present. Paying attention to the past because Mr/Ms Therapist says "Thou shalt pay attention to thy past" holds no appeal for me. My assumption is that if something comes up then there is a reason for this (bigger or smaller, more or less important - but we'll only know by finding out).
Hope you enjoy the Christmas lights.
@Judy, I am so looking forward to going. :)
@Molly, right now is getting through today. Then tomorrow I will tackle the next day. Tomorrow will be fun seeing grandkids. Glad you enjoyed the Christmas lights.
@Evan, your timing with your post was awesome. Thanks. I have always looked for clues in my past since I started remembering it. The thought that it might not be helpful is fairly new idea. I think your are right that since it is tripping me up I might need to pay attention for a bit. Thanks for your post and your comment.
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