How did I get here?

From CandyCan:  How did you get to the point where you were able to be you without apology?

This question was asked on 'Free to be me'
http://weareone-ruth.blogspot.com/2011/12/free-to-be-me.html

I have thought about this all day.  I am home from work and a wonderful trip.  Lots of time to think. 
My first reaction was, "How did I get here?"  Unlike some people will lead you to believe, there is no easy 'secret'.  No magic potion.  No wonderful wake up and suddenly life is different.   I did decide there were several things that were vital in my change of thought patterns.

If you are on facebook you can follow this link to the quote below.
One thing that I had to consider was this:
https://www.facebook.com/#!/photo.php?fbid=232147743522357&set=a.208994629171002.49708.208877045849427&type=1&theater
"If you care too much what people think...You will always be their prisoner."

I was so worried about what everybody else thought of me.  One of my core beliefs that KavinCoach took a LOT of time working at changing that defining myself comes from me not my past, not those I love, not from my bosses and not even from my counselor.  I had to have at my core the belief that I define for myself what is good and bad.  I decide if I am enough.  I decide what my set of standards are.  One of the big things about how I functioned when I was a multiple was each of the parts were the type of person somebody else in my life wanted me to be.  You can't be yourself if you are constantly trying to please someone else.  The thing I feared that if I stopped playing the perfect little person that they expected that I would no longer be loved.  Scary stuff.  Letting go of that fear was like prying a security blanket out of scared toddlers hands.  KavinCoach was very cool that he persuaded me that I didn't need the security blanket of believing everybody must love me.  I was OK if the only person that loved me was me.  The irony was in the process of trying to be everything to everybody else, I hated myself.  So I worked hard at changing my thinking.  I love myself and if anyone else loves me too, great, that is a bonus. 

The second thing I needed to do was get to know me.  At the beginning of counseling, I found out that I functioned as a multiple personality.  I was in shock.  It took many counseling sessions to get me to take a good hard look at myself.  Who I was, where I came from, and what is important to me now.   For anyone that has been in counseling will understand that ripping off the blinders of self-deception is painful and slow process.  Some people are capable of doing this self-analysis themselves.  I was so far down the road of self-deception that I needed help, lots of it.  Many people are in counseling maybe a few months to a year.  I am working on year nine.  KavinCoach pointed out that I had to first rip out and then replace the entire foundation of my belief system.  Fortunately, KavinCoach is an excellent counselor and encouraged me to define myself for myself not his definition.  Unfortunately, he moved.  Fortunately, he introduced me to another excellent counselor.  My work continues.  (mulderfan always points out to me that part of a good counselor is a person willing to work with them.  The counselor can not do the changing for you, they make suggestions, it is up to each person to do the work.)

Third, I recognized and then set about demolishing the distortions I was raised with as a child.  Dysfunctional childhood often leads to dysfunctional adult, kind of works that way.  (Do you notice the hint of sarcasm here?)  Accepting that my fantasy childhood was just that a fantasy was the hardest thing I had to accept.  I hurt.  A lot.  At the same time I realized that my dysfunction hurt my children.  That was devastating.  So the path to learning to love myself was painful and hard.  During this time KavinCoach persuaded me to not give up on myself. 

For me, there is one more piece that was vital for my well being.  My relationship with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  I believe that through the Holy Ghost I was led to the people and information that taught me what Christ meant when he said, "Love thy neighbor, AS THY SELF."  I added the emphasis.  For me, as long as I didn't feel right with God, I couldn't feel right with myself.  Learning to love myself, I believe has Christ smiling from ear to ear.  He is my savior and friend.