What is abuse?

 ***** Reading this may be offensive or triggering for some readers*****  Continue on at your own risk.

What is abuse? from Judy, mulderfan, and Vanci... 
http://theprojectbyjudy.wordpress.com/2011/12/20/sharing-vancis-post/

mulderfan list of abusive behaviors
http://muldrfan.blogspot.com/2010/07/are-we-being-abused.html

Vanci
http://notmyrock.blogspot.com/2011/12/defining-abuse.html

Google search results

About 962,000,000 results in 0.19 seconds

It has been a while since I read either post, so if I repeat some of what they have said, I am either in agreement with what they wrote or I internalized what they believe and made it part of my thoughts.  When I answer this type of question, I will recognize much of what I believe now, came from my counselor KavinCoach.  He taught me what abuse is, how to recognize when I am being abused and how to acknowledge when I am being abusive.  However, what I am writing now are my own thoughts and are not an exact interpretation of what he said.   I think at times he was even a bit frustrated with how I would turn things around.  Seven and half years of hard work to help me to open my eyes and see what existed in my life. 

This is the continuum that most people think about when they talk about abuse.  Some abuse is not as bad as other abuse.  People talking to me have said, "Well, my abuse isn't as bad as your abuse."  Or I have heard from my abusers, "What I did wasn't that bad."  Or in justifying my own misconduct, "I did the best I knew how...." Or about my own treatment that I received as a child, "Everyone gets hurt growing up."  Do you recognize any of these statements? 

As you can see from the Google search results this is a question that has received a lot of attention.  I recognize the depths of my anger over this debate when I read one of the little cute lists of things, like:

If you played kick the can and hide-and-go seek, or didn't have a cell phone, or never used a computer.....Blah, blah, blah.... And turned out ok then ......What ever.

I did all those things and I know first hand how brutal the "good ol' days" were for some people.  When I started counseling I didn't even mention the few things I did remember from my own childhood.  I was only interested in the counselor teaching me how to communicate better with my husband.  I had a 'good childhood', no worse than any other I figured.  You know being naive has its own paradise and when the bubble bursts, the result can be devastating. 

First and foremost, Abuse is Abuse.  Full stop.  End of sentence.  Trying to say yours is not as bad or is worse than someone else's is like dropping two candy dishes off the counter if one only breaks into two pieces and the other one shatters into a thousand pieces then the first abuse must not have been as bad as the second abuse.  Or KavinCoach was helping me see that my mother did do the best she knew how, I replied, "If you shoot me accidentally or on purpose, I am equally dead."  (This was one of those times when he was a bit frustrated with me.)

So how do I divide what is a mistake and what is abuse?   We all make mistakes.  We are human.  It is part of the human condition to make a mistake so how do I define when that behavior steps over the line to abuse?  To me, a mistake is hurting someone else without realizing the behavior would hurt them.  When you realize you made a mistake, you own what you did, apologize for your behavior and work very hard at not doing it again. Abuse is to know what you are doing is hurting someone else and doing it on purpose.  Now, there are plenty of people that will plead, "I didn't know what I said or did would be hurtful."  I bought that line for a long time.  I was told repeatedly that my mother didn't realize that her cruel and cutting comments were hurtful.  Then on one of the blogs I read, they had a list of narcissistic behaviors.  One of the items on the list was that the narcissistic will get a little smile on their face just before saying or doing something that hurts someone else.  I watched and waited.  Sure enough, the next time my mother said something really devastating to me she first made sure we were alone and then she smiled just before she delivered her cut.  What she said doesn't really matter.  Watching her deliberate actions put me in shock.  All these years, I had excused her behavior because I felt she didn't realize her choice of action would hurt me.  The person that decides if an action is abusive is the person on the receiving end.  Sometimes, an outside person observing needs to intervene and explain what abusive behavior is because being abused from childhood I didn't know what was harmful.  I needed to know that I had that right to be treated with care.  (If you are interested in the list of rights I finally wrote, you can follow this link: http://weareone-ruth.blogspot.com/2011/05/i-can-do-this.html)  The Stockholm Syndrome also influences people in accepting abuse as acceptable behavior.  Mistake or abuse the results can be long lasting and varied.  If you think you are being abused, you probably are.

I also believe that abuse can be divided into categories: neglect, physical, sexual, emotional, self, and spiritual.  This post is getting fairly long so I will tackle these over the next few days.  If you are not interested in these discussion you may want to start reading again at a later date.