Rowe's Rule: the odds are five to six that the light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an oncoming train.
Paul Dickson
***** Reading this may be offensive or triggering for some readers*****
Continue on at your own risk.
I talk a lot on this blog about self-care. The reason I know it is so important because self abuse is also part of my life. When I was about 13 years old, my grandmother came to live with us. She was shipped out by my Aunt. My grandmother was not a happy person. She stood 5 feet 4 inches tall and weighed less than 80 lbs. (metric works out to be 1.52 m and 36 kg) My mother cruelly fattened her up to 90 lbs. (Please note that this needs to be written in sarcasm font.) I watched my grandmother feed the dog her steak. Hide it in her napkin to be thrown away. Chew on it 3 or 4 times then spit it out saying it had gristle in it. My grandmother was an anorexic before it became popular. She terrified me; she was a walking skeleton. I knew something was very wrong but no one discussed her bizarre behavior. My mother insisted taking care of her in our home. Because I didn't do what she did, I thought I was above all that. (Have you ever noticed that when you start feeling superior, you often get a rude awakening?) Counseling opened my eyes to how I treated myself. My childhood training of abuse without leaving a mark slowly opened my eyes to the times I would burn myself in the shower. Knowingly eat things that made me sick. Then during counseling my stress would spike so high that other more dangerous forms of self hurt were considered. Why? Hadn't I been hurt enough? One of the cruelties of human behavior is the desire to keep things the same. If my abuser wasn't around to hurt me, then I had to do it myself. Another occurrence was the outer pain gave meaning to my inner anguish. It was my proof that I was hurting. I seem to be saying, see how much I hurt now that I have scars to show it? There is a long history of people self punishing. People are now more familiar with cutting, purging, self mutilating, and other ways of harming ones self. Those that don't suffer from this shake their heads and feel baffled by this type of behavior. I challenge you to look at it from another perspective. How many people eat until they feel uncomfortable? How many people use alcohol or drugs to numb there pain? I remember reading an entire book that discusses self defeating behaviors of all kinds. Many people will recognize the 'tapes' that play in their head that sounds just like the critical parent or teacher from their own childhood telling themself that they are stupid, not good enough, fat, and other cruel comments regurgitated straight out of their own memories. I am deeply humbled by the challenge I face to be kind to myself. I sometimes struggle with this daily. Sometimes I will go weeks and then realize I am neglecting my health or refusing to chose to take care of my body. I was well trained in self neglect. I was taught that I didn't deserve what I needed. I spiraled deeper and deeper into despair. Suicidal thoughts and eventual suicide are the ultimate in self abuse. What leads a person to this state of emotional trauma can be many different ways; however, often the path is strewn with abuse from others. Self abuse is one of the hardest to heal. I can escape my abusers but I can't escape myself. Early in my counseling after I found out that I functioned as a multiple personality, I decided to get better for myself. This blog is me sharing my epic adventure to learn to care for myself. A daily struggle to wake up, take my medication, eat a good breakfast, care for my body, drive safely to work, take care of myself while meeting the demands of my job, ... learning to take care of myself consumes many of my waking thoughts. Changing the unhealthy habits of a life time is an up hill struggle. I am making progress, mostly. I will not eat the rest of the fudge before going to sleep tonight. I really shouldn't tempt myself.... The scripture I changed to "Love thy neighbor, AS THYSELF." Mark 12:31
Paul Dickson
***** Reading this may be offensive or triggering for some readers*****
Continue on at your own risk.
I talk a lot on this blog about self-care. The reason I know it is so important because self abuse is also part of my life. When I was about 13 years old, my grandmother came to live with us. She was shipped out by my Aunt. My grandmother was not a happy person. She stood 5 feet 4 inches tall and weighed less than 80 lbs. (metric works out to be 1.52 m and 36 kg) My mother cruelly fattened her up to 90 lbs. (Please note that this needs to be written in sarcasm font.) I watched my grandmother feed the dog her steak. Hide it in her napkin to be thrown away. Chew on it 3 or 4 times then spit it out saying it had gristle in it. My grandmother was an anorexic before it became popular. She terrified me; she was a walking skeleton. I knew something was very wrong but no one discussed her bizarre behavior. My mother insisted taking care of her in our home. Because I didn't do what she did, I thought I was above all that. (Have you ever noticed that when you start feeling superior, you often get a rude awakening?) Counseling opened my eyes to how I treated myself. My childhood training of abuse without leaving a mark slowly opened my eyes to the times I would burn myself in the shower. Knowingly eat things that made me sick. Then during counseling my stress would spike so high that other more dangerous forms of self hurt were considered. Why? Hadn't I been hurt enough? One of the cruelties of human behavior is the desire to keep things the same. If my abuser wasn't around to hurt me, then I had to do it myself. Another occurrence was the outer pain gave meaning to my inner anguish. It was my proof that I was hurting. I seem to be saying, see how much I hurt now that I have scars to show it? There is a long history of people self punishing. People are now more familiar with cutting, purging, self mutilating, and other ways of harming ones self. Those that don't suffer from this shake their heads and feel baffled by this type of behavior. I challenge you to look at it from another perspective. How many people eat until they feel uncomfortable? How many people use alcohol or drugs to numb there pain? I remember reading an entire book that discusses self defeating behaviors of all kinds. Many people will recognize the 'tapes' that play in their head that sounds just like the critical parent or teacher from their own childhood telling themself that they are stupid, not good enough, fat, and other cruel comments regurgitated straight out of their own memories. I am deeply humbled by the challenge I face to be kind to myself. I sometimes struggle with this daily. Sometimes I will go weeks and then realize I am neglecting my health or refusing to chose to take care of my body. I was well trained in self neglect. I was taught that I didn't deserve what I needed. I spiraled deeper and deeper into despair. Suicidal thoughts and eventual suicide are the ultimate in self abuse. What leads a person to this state of emotional trauma can be many different ways; however, often the path is strewn with abuse from others. Self abuse is one of the hardest to heal. I can escape my abusers but I can't escape myself. Early in my counseling after I found out that I functioned as a multiple personality, I decided to get better for myself. This blog is me sharing my epic adventure to learn to care for myself. A daily struggle to wake up, take my medication, eat a good breakfast, care for my body, drive safely to work, take care of myself while meeting the demands of my job, ... learning to take care of myself consumes many of my waking thoughts. Changing the unhealthy habits of a life time is an up hill struggle. I am making progress, mostly. I will not eat the rest of the fudge before going to sleep tonight. I really shouldn't tempt myself.... The scripture I changed to "Love thy neighbor, AS THYSELF." Mark 12:31
8 comments:
this is something i never noticed i struggled with until recently. i always saw it as "other people are far too self-loving, it's weird" rather than "wow, i treat myself badly." i think it's natural for us to find fault in others sooner than we are able to decipher fault in ourselves.
your ability to do those things -- those daily tasks -- is no small feat. i am beginning the journey to take care of myself. to love myself. it's a tough one.
Hats you deserve to love yourself. Vanci over at Not My Rock has an awesome post that I read. I think you would enjoy it. http://notmyrock.blogspot.com/2012/01/i-was-tied-to-chair-with-dishrag.html
It may be tough be you so deserve to love yourself.
My NGC younger brother once criticized my DD for cutting when she was suffering through anorexia. I pointed out to him that I pick at my fingers and he bites his nails to the quick.
Self-abuse is an outward symptom of the turmoil within, a kind of release.
A HUGE majority of people self-abuse in some form or other but it seems like some are more socially acceptable than others.
Another example of "judge not"!
Another great post, Ruth
Hugs P/M
Hello Ruth
Sometimes when I read a post I have what can only be described as an epiphany; it happened today.
When I was eleven years old our parents told us that our favorite uncle had died in a car crash. Me and my brothers where devastated, he was a lovely man.
A couple of years later I was being punished for a minor misdemeanor. This punishment involved cutting off my hair, I can’t begin to describe how this made me feel, but as she was slicing it off she suddenly said “Your uncle didn’t die in a car crash he committed suicide after his girlfriend dumped him.” Then she told me how he did it.
I find having my hair cut very distressing and today I realised the reason why.
Thank you for a brilliant post!!
XX Molly
It's tough for me also to love myself. I don't cut, I don't fast, but I often don't like myself never the less. It's difficult to treat ourselves better than we were treated as children.
I can relate to what you say. Self neglect is a relatively invisible form of self harm but the consequences can be similar to suicide. Sometimes I have gone through periods of not allowing myself to eat any fruit or veg or other foods I know I need but just getting energy from plain things...not because I don't like those healthier foods but because I feel I don't deserve them and part of me wants to hurt myself.
In the extreme, some forms of self neglect could be thought of as a slow suicide.
I can relate to the turning the shower up hot to burn yourself etc too...or for me, not allowing myself to cut my toenails so that it hurts when I walk.
I'm glad that you have come to a point in your life where you can see the importance of loving yourself and can acknowledge that those behaviours were part of keeping the consistency of what you knew. Take care of yourself.
Hey, I wrote you a comment but it has disappeared. I hope it might turn up so I'll just say, take care of yourself. You don't deserve that abuse. You never did.
Thanks mulderfan...I appreciate the hugs.
I am so sorry Molly that was cruel. I can see why cutting your hair would lead to distress. Hugs to you Molly.
Ellen you nailed it...It is harder to treat ourselves better than when we were kids.
Candy both your messages made it. :) thanks this year is learning to take care of me and doing it. It will be a challenging year.
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