Motherhood...toughest hood around

  Risk! Risk anything! Care no more for the opinion of others, for those voices. Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself. Face the truth.

Katherine Mansfield

I was 19 years old when I turned my world upside down and inside out. I married and about a year later gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. My world tilted and never was the same again.  I was thunderstruck by the jump off the cliff type feeling.  Once done, it can not be undone.  Due to problems with his lungs he was immediately whisked away to get him breathing properly.  The nurse finally came and said you can get up now...where do you want to go?  First stop, looking at his gorgeous little face.  I was in awe.  All those months of misery, throwing up, and labor (seems easy now that I have been with my daughters) culminated into this tiny being that my husband and I were responsible for.  Panic hit like a wave,"Dear God, I can't send him back, what if I mess up?"  (With added experience, I could guarantee my younger self, you are going to mess up.)  Is he ok?  Will I know what to do? (Often I didn't.) The next big shock came the next day.  The nurse asked us what we were going to take the baby home in.  Why the shock you ask?  Some how in my mind, I didn't envision actually taking the baby home. 

I write often about being raised in a fear based life.  My mother used fear to keep me from premarital sex.  She had worked in a children's hospital and told me of the deformed babies and birth defects of babies born of teenage mothers.  (She left out the part the early teenager years or those on drugs or any other qualifier.)  I refused to have a baby shower.  I didn't buy a single diaper.  My father-in-law bought a crib and dresser but nothing was in it and I wouldn't go in the room where it was set up.  (Does anyone besides me see that there were some serious glitches in my thinking?)  I risked everything to gamble on this hood called Motherhood.  It changed my life forever.  I believe the change was for the better.  I was blessed to add 5 more children to the first.  Funny thing is I don't talk to other people about my kids very much.  They are precious to me.  I want to protect them.  I want more than anything to be the best mom in the world.  I often failed in my own eyes.  However, I sit here with tears in my eyes thinking about the different times my children have expressed their love for me.  I messed up.  I am thankful for their forgiveness.  I am still in awe of all 6 of the most wonderful adults I have ever met.  I am delighted with the 6 wonderful partners they have brought to our family.  I am thrilled by the pitter patter of little grandchildren feet.  I even love the messes.  The hood is tough because Motherhood makes you face the toughest truth, yourself. 

Counting toes

Let me help you take the picture grandma.

Such a cute little ear.

Where's the car?

Daddy, Grandma takes a lot of pictures.

Day before Birthday

Dimples used shamelessly to get out of trouble.

Engaged

Can't I chase them like the pigeons?

Adding to our family on their wedding day.