http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.hu/2009/01/10-commandments-of-dysfunctional.html
Shared an inside view of how a dysfunctional family operates.
As I read and reread through this article I thought about how my family of origin compared to this list of 10 commandments of dysfunctional family. I found some minor differences. Then I reread it again and thought about the other blogs I have read and noticed instead how similar the patterns are between families. You would think that families living in different parts of the world would not share these basic problems. Started right out with number one. Rewrite history to fit a "perfect family" image. Anything that does not fit will be rewritten or denied. My sister and I both saved things to prove they happened. Number two sending mixed messages. How chilling it was for me as a child when my mother would ask me if she told me today that I love you and she would never look up from what she was doing. I learned that words and body language don't always match. I am more likely to believe their body language. The third commandment refers to children expected to act like adults. To be a child was totally unacceptable. I joked with KavinCoach, "If I didn't get a first childhood, can I have a second?" Fourth commandment, keeping secrets. I created a personality that did just that, she kept all my secrets. Took several years of counseling to get most of the secrets told. Sixth commandment, thou shalt not feel. I took this to a level that astounded KavinCoach. He became fascinated with how completely I could make all emotion vanish. I still remember the 64 million dollar question, "Do you feel anything at all?" My answer, "Why should I?"Seventh commandment boundaries will be violated. I didn't even know what they were. In my effort to do the opposite as my mother, my husband and I did teach our children boundaries. I didn't understand them myself, I just knew they were important. Eighth commandment, you must do it all yourself. I turned down help from everyone, I thought I had to do everything myself. I was at critical mass when I finally sought counseling. I am thankful I found such an excellent counselor first round and another great counselor to finish. I needed help as a child too but I learned to live without it. Ninth commandment is perfectionism is drilled into you. How many times did I hear, "What can we do so that you never make that mistake again?" One mistake meant total fail. The tenth one was a little more twisted for me. The other blog states that you are never forgiven. Mine was I had to forgive my abusers and allow them to continue as they wished. If I held them accountable for their actions, I was chastised for not being forgiving. Took a lot of sessions with KavinCoach to help me understand that forgiveness does not mean putting yourself back in danger. As I learn a healthier way to forgive others, I am finding that I am learning to forgive myself with this new understanding. One minor difference in 10. Changing the pattern means breaking all these commandments. I am working my way through the entire list.
4 comments:
Ruth, what you describe is so similar to the "unspoken rules" in my FOO. I still find it mind-boggling that we've all had such similar experiences being that we're from different countries. I used to think that my parents are like they are because they grew up under a fascist regime, I now realise that couldn't possibly be since most of you who had this experience live in the U.S. and had never had a dictator as a ruler. Interestingly, I was thinking as I read your post how so many of this rules are like those of a totalitarian regime, think of Nazi Germany's obsession with the "perfect" race, keeping secrets, etc.
Thank you Kara. When I first started reading blogs, I was so surprised at the similarities rather than the differences between experiences. Thank you for pointing out how similar these families function like totalitarian regime.
It is amazing how similar our stories are, and while growing up I was so isolated and felt alone in the world. First Commandment, all about image. I remember only one time in which my mother fawned over me in childhood. It was at her 30th high school reunion, in front of people I'd never met. I remember thinking, "Maybe she DOES love me." Soon as we walked out the door, it was over, and she snapped at me again. On 3, I also never got to be a child. Being the youngest, any childishness on my part as a child was grounds for ridicule, chastisement, and general down-putting. on 6, I cried so easily when I was little, and was so castigated for it that I grew incapable of crying, or feeling anything at all. Never forgiven is right. And it's never forgotten: if you try at all to hold them accountable for any cruel action, your history is thrown in your face, even from when you were too young to be anything but reactive to their abuse. There's so much to sift through from the past, and trying to live now in a healthier way is a lot to juggle. It helps being no contact, so that no more can be added to the burns in my soul, but my history is forever in my memory. It's like being a burn victim, from the inside.
Definitely go for the second childhood!
I'm having mine while also re-mothering myself. :)
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