Answering questions

 http://aconsociety.blogspot.com/2012/09/acon-faqs-ask-and-answer.html

Comment below (or via email - see side bar) with questions, i.e.:

• Does my NParent know that how they treat me is wrong?
• Are they accidentally hurting me, or is it 'on purpose'?
• Can my NParent change?
• Is it possible my NParent loves me still, even though they are abusive?
• Why won't my other parent do something to help me?! 
• Is it morally/ethically/spiritually wrong of me to go 'no-contact' with my NParents?!
• What is 'no-contact' anyway?
• How do I know if my parent has NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) or not? Who diagnoses that? And is there treatment for it? What's the success rate?

No question is too general, too specific, or off limits (Trolls - this doesn't include your questions; they get axed on sight). 


This was posted on ACON Society web page.... Kind of a general question of what people experienced with narcissistic parents.  One of the things that I found to be truly astounding was not the differences but the similarities between experiences.  mulderfan or upsi would get an unpleasant email from their parent and I could pull up an email that read very similar.  We are all from different parts of the world.  We each have some experiences different from the others.  I decided to answer the questions here then with approval I will move them to the other page.  Main reason for doing this is I want to be honest with myself.  When I write on someone else's comments, I am thinking about their concerns and what might be helpful to them.  I want to write these answers to me.  Kind of an assessment of where I have been and where I am now.  Some times in my scrabble to survive I miss what I am doing day-to-day. 


Does my NParent know that how they treat me is wrong?
When I was growing up I was told that my nm was just like that because how she was raised and I had to love her.  Hammered into my head over and over that it was unintentional and I was oversensitive.  One day upsi wrote about how a narcissistic will get a tiny smile on their face just before doing something cruel.  I thought no, not my mother.  Then I watched.  It was easier to see her do it to my sister because I wasn't in survivor mode.  First the smile and then the zinger.  I also remember the times my father paid me 10 - 20 dollars after a partictularly rough day with mother.  So not only did she know what she was doing but my father knew too and paid me to take it.  I felt sick when I finally put the pieces together in my 50's.

Are they accidentally hurting me, or is it 'on purpose'?
Some of both.  I know as a parent I sometimes said things thoughtlessly that came across all wrong to my children.  It certainly is by accident sometimes.  The difference was my nm would not acknowledge that she needed to apologize.  I was blamed for any 'misunderstanding' and I needed to 'forgive' her without any change in behavior on her part.  Other times were planned out with malice aforethought... planned out and saved for the right moment to use to maximize either pain, embarrassment, or humiliation.  Chilled me when my nm decided I was old enough to learn the fine art of manipulation through emotional blackmail.  There is another perspective that I told KavinCoach.  "If they shoot me on purpose or by accident either way I am equally dead."  I was trying to express that on purpose or accidental damage occurred and needs to be repaired.  I still need to heal.  I learned by terrible example of what to do if I accidentally hurt someone else. I apologize, try to make amends, and work at not doing it again.  With my nm, I learned to never be alone with her because she puts on a good performance and so far that has worked for me.

Can my NParent change?
Choice to change?  A year ago I would have said a flat no.  Now I experienced seeing someone choose to change that had narcissistic behaviors.  That is when I came to understand that everyone is on a continuum from mild to severe.  However, with my Nmother she made a choice repeatedly not to change.  As far as I know, 4 different medical doctors recommended that she get counseling.  She refused.  She was given medication once that required counseling.  She went a few times.  I asked her about it.  Her reply, "The doctor was more interested in talking to your father than to me, so I stopped going."  Others asked her and she denied ever going.  My father told me that she told him it was too hard.  So my final answer...usually not since they don't believe there is a problem.  Everyone else needs to change to suit them.

Is it possible my NParent loves me still, even though they are abusive?
The need to feel loved....it tugged at my heart.  I worked so hard to 'win' her love.  Oh she would give approval and thank me from time to time; I learned the hard way to look for the hook or the 'but' at the end.  She would tell me she loved me.  But to me love is a verb not a noun.  A cliche answers it best for me, "Friends like that, who needs enemies."  I had enemies that treat me better.  By her definition of love she has those feelings for me, maybe, and some days I want to hope so....Then we drop back into the same loop, "If you love me, take care of me and fix things for me."  That damn hook is always there.  She wants me to present the happy family, she created a fantasy world and demands I live in it, then maybe if I am very good she will love me.  The cost is too high for that kind of love.  I would rather be unloved by my standards then 'loved' in her web of lies. 

Why won't my other parent do something to help me?! 
This one was always painful for me.  I was paid, emotionally leaned on, and bullied to accept the treatment I received.  I used to think he just didn't realize what nm was doing until he paid me.  I was paid to take an emotional beating.  I became cynical, I am going to get the emotional thrashing anyway, may as well get paid for it.  I then denied everything myself until I was in counseling.  Some of the toughest sessions I went through was recognizing that my parents were a matched pair.  I felt devastated when I lost the illusion that at least one of my parents thought I was important enough to protect.  It hurt... a lot....when I finally accepted that my father would always side with my mother no matter how wrong her behavior was.  He used me to protect himself from her wrath.  I was a human shield only the grenades were words and emotions.  There are several books written on the subject I decided not to bother with why and focus on how to stay safe since this was something I could control. 

Is it morally/ethically/spiritually wrong of me to go 'no-contact' with my NParents?!
Is it morally/ethically/spiritually wrong to abuse your children?  At the age of 5, I was on the search for a new mother.  At that tender age I knew something was wrong.  The story was retold to demonstrate how heartless I was.  Nobody questioned that there might be a problem at home that a five-year-old wanted to trade in their mother.  In my opinion, many children are left with no other choice to survive.  An extreme example might help, in the book A Child Called It Dave Pelzer explains what happened in his childhood.  His second book describes being put in a foster home and going No Contact.  I don't think there is a single person that would tell Dave Pelzer that it was wrong to go no-contact.  The state helped him do just that.  I found a way to stay in contact with my parents, not everyone has that option.  My opinion now is I have a moral/ethical/spiritual responsibility to keep myself safe from abusers, no matter how I am related.

What is 'no-contact' anyway?
I actually went no-contact for several months....moved away after I was married and for several months I didn't call, write or contact my parents in any way.  I liked it and then felt guilty for liking it.  Finally made contact which is to write, call, email, talk to or any form of communication with the other person.  The strictest form of no-contact was practiced often in the 1700's when children sailed to another country and their parents never saw them or heard from them again.  Now with computers shrinking the world and going to Alaska has Skype, effort is needed to cut off the other person.  No-contact is just that, no communication of any kind with the other person and talking to someone that knows the person is a form of communication since the other person becomes the relay.

How do I know if my parent has NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) or not? Who diagnoses that? And is there treatment for it? What's the success rate?
A psychologist or a psychiatrist does the diagnostic, good luck getting them in there in the first place.  I read a few treatment choices but again good luck on getting them to stick with it.  Success is hard to define.  I am a great believer that any one can change if they choose to, unfortunately part of the diagnoses of narcissistic is the belief that everyone else is the problem.  Which leaves how did I know?  I didn't when I was growing up.  My counselor started suspecting there was a problem because of the way I behaved and the stories I shared that I thought were 'normal' parent/child relationship.  My counselor wanted me to go no-contact for my emotional health.  There were reason that I won't go into that I chose not to and paid the price.  There are a few internet tests that you can read and try out.  But the eyeopener for me were upsi http://upsi-upsi.blogspot.com/ and mulderfan http://muldrfan.blogspot.com/, my two heroes, that courageously shared their stories and I saw the similarities.  I was blessed with a sister that once we were able to reconnect after years of low contact due to wedges placed by nmother.  After I started counseling, my sister became my ally and we compared notes.  The results was a clearer picture than just one of us watching.  My sister gave me a card years ago showing two ginger bread cookies helping each other escape the cookie jar.  That is what we did, emotionally escaped the enmeshed narcissistic mess that kept us in the FOG fear/obligation/guilt.