Friday, September 28, 2012
One of those days?
Ever had one of those days when in your mind you get everything all worked out, you plan your day just perfectly and then you body's get up and go, got up and went, without you? There I sit in a quagmire of guilt wondering why I didn't do all those wonderful plans. Fiddle on FB, baked brownies, washed dishes (enjoyed doing them), and the post is unwritten still rattling around in my mind with a blank page taunting. So I sit here wondering, why I am struggling with writing a post that I am really enthusiastic about and just want to share? There ..... hiding behind the monitor is that shadow..... remnants from depression nagging, 'this is just a temporary up, you don't really live like that, who are you trying to kid.' If the shadow had substance I would slap its mouth shut but it doesn't have substance. Anyone else staring at the same place wouldn't see a shadow. Wouldn't see my guilt, my shortcomings, my discouragement crouching to pounce. I get frustrated. I feel like I am making progress. I have days at a time when I feel happy. Used to be reversed, I would have days at a time that I wasn't happy. Behind the shadow is my past telling me I really can't go any further. Go too far and past habits try to pull me back into that comfort zone of depression and exhaustion. Please notice I say comfort zone and not safety zone. Years ago I heard a story about a little dog that was tied on a short leash to a stove. Hunger and neglect ravished its body but the owners didn't care. One day some rescued the little dog. Set it free. Unleashed the collar and opened the door wide. The rescuer expected the little dog to bound out the door. Instead the little dog coward behind the stove, terrified of so much choice and wide spaces. Tied to the stove - no choices - no thought became comfortable by familiarity. Running free outside is not a natural reaction to that little dog cowering in the shadows. Ever had a day like that?
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13 comments:
I have countless days like this.
Ruth, I've had several days like that! Every day since I ran from my X, I've been taunted by the familiarity of my 'comfort zone'...we all know the one...the one that keeps us frozen in time. It's all we know, like that little dog in your story. What might happen if we step away from the stove? Unknowns are very scary, but what waits outside for that little guy? Green grass, sunshine, and loving arms to wrap up in. In our case, we hold onto the familiar because it's all we know. Is it strengthening for us? Can we anticipate being stronger if we sit there in "comfort"? Each step away from the familiar binds, brings greater peace. Go write that paper. I've learned that its those days that I struggle, that someone really needs to read it, or hear it. You are great!
Oh man, yes. I think I had a day like that today. Did a portion of what I thought I was all enthusiastic about, but it was not what I'd call a productive day.
Once in awhile, even twice, I'm learning to forgive myself for having these days.
I think you're fine. It's when a chain of these days never seem to end that you need to really worry.
‘Ever had a day like that’ most definitely...often.
I can identify with that little dog but you don’t need to tie a person up; just mess with their mind.
My mother used to compare me to a friend of mine, telling me how useless I was compared to her. Hindsight is a wonderful thing; oh how I would love to have said, ’That’s because you are not her mother.’
Self doubt after an abusive childhood is understandable. I still struggle with being happy and at peace with myself. My parents made me feel that I did not deserve to be happy.
((Ruth)), you work so hard at redefining yourself I am not surprised that some days your subconscious tells you to rest. I’m sure all your hard work helps others too; you've helped me enormously. Thank you.
Molly x
I spent so many years in that comfort zone. It seems that learning how to get out of it has quite the learning curve. Let me see if I can put it into words...
A child trusts their parents. They don't know any other way. So if the parent says "The sky is green", then green it is. Well, what happens after all those years of believing the sky is green when the adult child learns that no, in fact, the sky is really blue? This one tiny detail can be mind boggling. If one thing they said wasn't right, what else did they say that wasn't true? That's where I'm at these days. I know the sky isn't green, but it's a tough sell to believe it.
I was telling DH the other night that I feel like I grew up in a glass house - Every pane was something that my parents did or said. Now that I can know the truth, and what a normal, healthy relationship should look like, each pane of glass is shattering before my eyes. I'm left with a lot of holes and broken glass. There were times where I told my parents something, and they would reply with "Oh Nooo, THAT never happened". It makes you question your sanity. You KNOW it happened. You saw it with your own eyes! You were there! You were there? Right?
It takes an emotional toll. Some days I just need to sit. Process. Think. Life goes on around me. The house gets dirty. Dishes pile up. Then I have to play catch up. I feel like a rusty wheel. It's finally getting to the point where it's coming unstuck so you can turn it, but things are not rolling as quickly as I'd like them to. But hey, the wheel is finally turning, so it's a start. I'll take it.
Thank you, I am sitting here with tears in my eyes. The kind I learned to feel knowing that people care what happens to me. It feels like relief. Thank you for your encouragement, support and understanding.
Me, too, to everything you wrote here.
One really brilliantly helpful thing I do is feel bad for feeling bad. I find it to be highly motivating and energizing to emotionally beat myself up because I SHOULDN'T be depressed.
I hope you can hear the sarcasm, loud and clear!
Charity
Thank you Ruth and everybody for their comments. I really needed this today.
Yup Charity, I heard the sarcasm. Hugs.
I am glad this is helping you too Kara. I am sorry so many of you understand. Thank you for sharing and letting me know I am not alone.
Wasted the whole of Thursday, despite a large, looming deadline Monday.
I hear you, Ruth. It's self-sabotage - that shadowy figure is preventing you from getting away from it. I've got one too (sounds like we all do).
Your baked brownies sound awfully yummy, though! :-) I can't say that baking brownies is a wasted endeavour! (I'll be right over to help you do away with those brownies, ha ha!).
You mean like today?
Come on over QG. I discovered I enjoy baking more when I can share it.
Laurel, in my opinion you earned a break. Hugs.
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