"It is our choices...that show what we
truly are, far more than our abilities"
- J. K. Rowling
Every day I am thankful I chose to get counseling. Yesterday, on Suicide awareness day I wore yellow and "Love" written on my wrist. I thought about the people I learned about that committed suicide. The loss. The feeling of guilt that some how I should have been able to do something. Then I reflected on how I wouldn't allow anyone near me when I felt so low. I closed off and isolated myself. I shut down and shut my thoughts in. Could I have actually been able to help? I don't know. I know at my darkest hour there was me and my faith in God and wondering how I would explain to Christ why I thought life was too tough and I shouldn't be alive. Finally, the determination if I thought so little of myself that I could end my life, then the pedophile won. He would laugh in his grave that he destroyed me from his tomb. Funny how a dose of anger pushed me to turn around and choose living. Sometimes the toughest decision is the one to truly live. Not a numbed half life, but a jump up and down and move around to show you are alive. I am thankful for the emails from NewCounselor that helped me think through what I am feeling. Yesterday, I was not depressed. I felt sad at a terrible loss of each life. I felt peace with my grieving. I imagined each one in the "Hollow of His Hands." He will know what to do with their pain. This world is designed to inflict pain...doubt it? Step off a chair and you will hit the ground hard. No one is left out of something that twists their heart...It is what you do with the experience that makes all the difference.
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| Light in the darkness |
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| Counseling made a difference. I chose to change. |
4 comments:
When we are children it’s the adults in our world that show us/give us our worth. If we are constantly told ‘you’re waste of space’ or ‘I wish you had never been born’ (as I was) it most certainly plants the seed of worthlessness. It is very difficult to go out into the world confidently when you have been constantly browbeaten as a child. I am sure it is a major cause of depression and suicidal thoughts.
I so admire your determination to find your true self, Ruth.
Love,
Molly.
Thank you Molly. Redefining yourself as an adult is hard but not impossible. I am sorry you were told such terrible lies. You make a difference to me.
Ruth
Hi Ruth,
I'm at a low point myself this evening, back to the old thoughts of suicide. I thought about a friend I lost and how I missed him. Then I thought about the same thing you did with explaining your 'giving up' to Jesus' face (you know he'd love you anyway, but could you bring yourself to disappoint him? I can't either).
Reading your post was a Godsend for me. I think about Jesus' 'righteous anger' when he made a whip and literally chased the money-lenders from the temple! Maybe anger, well-placed, is a good thing after all.
Thanks for the pick-me-up. "I'm pulling for you; we're all in this together", as Red Green says.
Quercus, I am sorry you hit a low point. I am glad the post helped. Sometimes not feeling alone is a boost. Hugs.
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