"An old man said "Erasers are made for those who make mistakes." A youth replied "Erasers are made for those who are willing to correct their mistakes!!" Attitude matters!!.. "
Forgiveness is a topic I review time and time again. This question in the search keywords caught my attention, "Does Forgiveness equal Reconciliation?" I decided it was an appropriate Sunday subject. I knew for me that one of the important steps to healing is forgiveness. I was taught a warped meaning of forgiveness. I experienced people that were telling me I was unforgiving for complaining about being hurt. I was told to forgive and forget but the abuse didn't stop. If the person hurting you is demanding your forgiveness, chances are that they want to feel comfortable without changing their behavior. I have done a lot of research. KavinCoach was impressed with the notebook I created that contained articles and scriptures outlining both unhealthy and healthy forgiveness. In my opinion, forgiveness is a step towards reconciliation IF....
I have processed the hurt, anger and other emotions attached to the problem.
The person has shown by their behavior, not just words, that they are choosing to change
I feel comfortable with the idea of continuing the relationship.
Here are some examples:
I am working on fully forgiving the pedophile, however, if he were still alive there is noway I would consider keeping a relationship with him. I am working on forgiving NM. She chose not to change (most narcissistic do not see the need to change), I am working at a low contact relationship with the idea of backing off any time I feel the need. Others in my life have hurt me, they apologized, I worked through how I felt, forgave them and worked at rebuilding a strong and loving relationship.
In my opinion, me forgiving a person has nothing to do with what the other person does. It only has to do with my need to process a hurt. Forgiving, to me, lets me move on since I no longer need to process my feelings or think about the other person any more. Reconciliation is very dependent on the other person's behavior. If they treat me the same way, after I tell them that they are hurting me, there is no need for me to seek reconciliation. I finally understand that I am responsible for keeping me safe. Part of keeping me safe is keeping a distance from those that choose to harm me. Reconciliation is reserved for those that desire a safe caring relationship as much as I do.
I appreciate forgiveness since more than once (many times) I needed to ask forgiveness. I also believe that if I want the person I hurt to continue to have a relationship with me, I need to check in with them to make sure that we can build a safe caring relationship that is good for them too. I believe in forgiveness being a gift you give to yourself. Reconciliation is a gift of a caring healthy relationship.
*Using the search space on my page type in the word forgiveness. This one also addresses forgiveness and reconciliation: http://weareone-ruth.blogspot.com/2011/04/power-is-live-thing-that-you-reach-out.html
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| Reconciliation comes after forgiveness. |
1 comment:
I love the eraser quote :)
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