"There is more hunger for love and
appreciation in this world than for bread."
- Mother Teresa
Click Here For Success Tip # 036
One of the my strengths is I am kind. I am also very human so I have done things that are not. However, a desire to be kind at all times colors many of my choices. I know as a child that my desire to be kind was used to manipulate me. When my 3 younger children were teenagers, they decided they wanted to get involved with the park and recreation Judo program. My kids talked about how they used the other persons strength to their own advantage. One of my earliest good memories was singing to my sister trying to comfort her. I also remember my dad chastising me for not being kind to my mother by doing all she asked me to do. I noticed as an adult that he expected me to tolerate my mother's abusive behavior with the quip, "That is just the way she is, you have to love her." It is not being kind to myself or the other person by tolerating abuse. Behavior is usually done on a continuum and the unhealthy side of kindness is people pleasing. I learned that people pleasing ends up not being kind. Breaking the shell off of a chick or slicing the cocoon for a butterfly has the appearance of trying to help but the chick and the butterfly never fully develop with too much help. I am kind and I choose as often as possible to be kind. I figure there is more than enough hurting in the world. I remember one discussion with KavinCoach where I talked about learning to be tough. He actually laughed at me. Then I heard the sound of admiration in his voice when he told me that I was about as tough as a fresh marshmallow. He knew what my childhood was like and he marveled that I remained soft and caring towards others. He was surprised when I told him I didn't want to say or do anything to hurt my mother, I wanted to kindly protect myself. I did learn that some people will view me as mean and unkind simply by refusing to be hurt by them. Abuser claiming they are the victim when you stop letting them abuse you is still the strangest twist of human nature I ever encountered. Some how I am viewed as not being kind because I now expect people to respect me. KavinCoach did reassure me that he admired my ability to stay kind in spite of the abuse I grew up in.
Judy posted a link to another version of my favorite story about what happens to different foods when placed in boiling water: http://theprojectbyjudy.wordpress.com/2013/02/07/follow-up-on-yesterday/
I also posted a version in 2010: http://weareone-ruth.blogspot.com/2010/09/potato-egg-coffee.html
Mother Teresa's Anyway Poem
People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.
http://www.dbooth.org/guat2000/small/teresa.htm
3 comments:
This week at work I had to stand up for myself. There had been a misunderstanding, and without asking questions about what actually had happened, my co-worker accused me of something I hadn't done. So instead of reverting to what my NFOO training had taught me I'm supposed to do (accept responsibility that wasn't mine and apologize for what I hadn't done), I let him know I was angry, that I hadn't done what he'd accused me of. And he started treating me with respect. It's scary ground to stand up for yourself. And learning how to do it is pure trial and error when it's never been your way. But it seems to have made things better at work for everyone.
I was thinking about forgiveness this week, too. Another couple of people on FB groups have been pushing forgiveness at those who really aren't ready, and need to be angry or sad, and process their pain before being pushed to forgive their abusers. I was thinking that forgiveness works sort of like a lock and key. You can't unlock a lock that turns away, or one that devours the key. It takes more than dismissing the wrong. Forgiveness is not a one-way transaction. And it doesn't mean you're bitter or angry if you simply don't forgive someone who wants absolution with no acknowledgment or accountability.
It amazes me how abusers become victims when their victims say, "No more." Excuse me? It's so frustrating having to smother the desire to be helpful because on another level I know it's a setup to hurt me. Crazy-making.
Bravo Brace...good for you standing up for yourself. It is scary ground and you did it. Forgiveness is more scary ground. I write quite a few post on it. This one came to the top of the search list. Thought you might like the link. http://weareone-ruth.blogspot.com/2012/09/does-forgiveness-equal-reconciliation.html
Judy you are right. It is crazy that they use your natural kindness and consideration as way to manipulate you. Doesn't get better with age either. :/
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