Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Holding back

We are not held back by the love we didn’t receive in the past, but by the love we’re not extending in the present. ~  Marianne Williamson
 www.innerkiddies.com

Holding back, afraid, scarred and scared, survivors know what is like to be hurt often by those that should have protected them.  Fear of loving becomes a habit, a survival tool like the SDB (Self-Defeating Behaviors) book I read years ago, I do mean many years ago.  The book talked about getting into habits when we are children then using the same methods as adults, like using a garbage can lid for a shield, cute when kids are playing swords with sticks but kind of silly in a board room or PTA meeting.  But the methods worked, it is hard to believe there is another choice.  Ten years ago I started counseling.  I wanted to learn how to communicate with my husband.  I figured a few weeks and everything would be great.  I had not the slightest clue as to the odyssey placed before me.  My husband has stayed with me through two counselors and a lot of difficulties.  He witnessed first hand the struggle I have of extending love in the present.  I am still a work in progress.  Connecting - engaging - opening my heart is an on going process.  I recognize the importance of being patient with myself.  I like the analogy of trying to open a bud before it is ready.  Force the bud open and the petals will bruise and tear.  Wait patiently for the bloom to open in its own time is rewarded with a magnificent flower. 


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