http://www.purposefairy.com/66920/5-important-questions-to-help-you-figure-out-what-you-really-want/
In 10 years of counseling I am still struggling with the concept of what do I really want. I am still working on this. I realized no counselor in the world can help me answer this question. The answer I locked away inside myself so many years ago I lost the key and the hinges on the door rusted. That doesn't mean I can't create a new dream....a new hope....a new castle in the air. Other dreams were lost in my past. But I am human which means every day is another beginning. I am not one of Pavlov's dogs forever destined to be controlled by my conditioning. Counseling did a ton towards teaching me to recognize the unhealthy conditioning that I lived through. They taught me I don't have to be defined by my past. They taught me I have a choice.
3. If nobody’s feelings could get hurt, what would I do?
This was a driving piece that kept me locked under the thumb of the pedophile. It wasn't somebody's feelings I was afraid of hurting. I was told that my younger sister and brother would be hurt if I didn't do what I was told. I was terrified that if I didn't do what I was told then somebody would be hurt and often that somebody was me. Counseling went a long way toward breaking the hold of the terror of my past. I was taught my past was just that....in my past. I didn't need to live in constant fear any more. It was difficult to shake the habit of putting someone else first before meeting my most basic needs. I was raised and praised for putting others first. What no one realized that in the process the part of me that made me uniquely me was lost. I hid, even from myself. Instead of being encouraged to be my best self, who ever that self was, I was stomped into a shape of others desire for me. Who I was disappeared for long stretches at a time. Unfortunately, I am not the only person that had this happen in their childhood. I read many blogs about self-righteous and self-serving parents trying to mold their children into images they considered acceptable. I am not so sure I didn't make some of the same mistakes. Teaching a child, training a child, manipulating a child and destroying a child gets weirdly blurry at times. ACoNs often share on their blogs the struggle to become themselves. One of the main parental manipulation tools is 'if you don't do this you will hurt my feelings'. Somehow a child is held responsible for the adults happiness. Teenagers are accused of selfishness when they stretch and explore the boundaries laid out by loving and not so loving parents a like. I learned as a parent that it is really difficult to be able to cheer on children to their best selves when my idea of best and theirs don't match. Now, I am a 56 year old teenager. What would I do if I didn't worry about upsetting, hurting, pissing off, anyone else. If left to my own devices, what would I do? Intriguing possibilities are rattling around in my head. Photography is at the top of my list....so many possibilities when I stop trying to fit myself in a mold that was never for me in the first place.4. If I wasn’t trying to be “practical,” what would I decide?
Life realities exist. Living a Cadillac life on a Volks Wagon budget leads to heavy debt and sometime bankruptcy. But these are dreams.....the fluffy, outrageous kind, like building dream castles in the clouds kind. If I didn't need to be practical, what would I do? Too often as a parent, I reminded my children of their responsibilities. Dream castles were not something I thought too much about growing up. Something I did learn when we had more bills than money is that sometimes you start thinking poor. That even when I could make things nice I didn't. I had a friend that had a very limited budget but lots of creativity and imagination. She moved into a dinky little apartment in a not too nice of neighborhood. However, when you walked inside her home you were surrounded by her quirky stylish taste. She magically turned $10 into something that most people would pay $100. She took what she had and made a little nest feathered and fluffed to her liking. I could hardly believe the magical transformation. Too often in a desire to be "practical" I don't allow myself to have fun. I think that is why I loved the book Life's Uncertain, Eat Dessert First. The book taught me about having fun and not always limiting myself with "practical".Enough for tonight.....tomorrow the final question.
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