TR from In Bad Company listed my blog as being nominated. I struggled with accepting this honored award. I didn't feel I deserved it.
http://inbadcompanyinc.wordpress.com/2014/01/23/narcissism-slayers/
An honored title of those that learn about, share, and strive to eradicate narcissistic behavior.
http://n-continuum.blogspot.be/2013/12/you-can-call-me-rick-or-you-can-call-me.html
I learned about AcONs and Ns and Taking the Red Pill from bloggers that blazed the way for me. They did the research....they shared their heart breaking stories...they shared their strength....I followed in their wake. I put off and put off and put off writing this because I couldn't understand why I felt so undeserving. I realized Sunday why I did but still delayed until today to write. My narcissist mother is still part of my life. I have coworkers that I calmly work with that also are narcissistic. I struggle with my own selfish tendencies trying to balance self-care and selfish. I don't feel triumphant over any of my foes. I don't see myself as a warrior. I haven't gone no contact like so many others. I feel soft and compliant in many ways. I almost didn't accept the award. Then I reminded myself that I don't see myself the same way as other people see me. I see my weaknesses glaring at me. I see myself retreating when harsh comments fly. I still prefer to back down than to slay anyone or anything. I am taking karate lessons. I struggle with the requirement of physically showing on another person the moves that could seriously hurt someone if I use my full strength. I finally admitted, I am not learning to fight to hurt someone else; I am learning to fight so they can't hurt me any more. There it is. Warriors don't start the battle. They step up and say, "You can't hurt me any more." "You can't belittle me any more." "I don't believe your lies any more." I choose to face the truth. The ugliness of accepting that my narcissistic mother is emotionally handicapped and unable to be a mother to me. She gave birth to me but she is incapable of nurturing or loving me in anyway that is hoped for from a parent. Her barbs don't hurt me any more. I am saddened by how her hugs cause me to shudder in revulsion. I recognize her conscious choice not to change. I recognize my father's behavior that enabled this to alter my life when I asked him to stop her, he shrugged and told me that is just the way she is you got to love her. No I don't. Her choice does not define me. I chose to change. I changed everything I could. I took the painful choice of the Red Pill that didn't allow me to wallow in the illusion that my "Childhood was great, we went to the park and the zoo." I looked at the neglect that left me vulnerable to a sadistic neighbor that took advantage of that vulnerability. I learned that sometimes a warrior is marked by the simple refusal to accept someone else defining who they are. The armor a Narcissist Slayer wears is truth. The sword is the decision to choose for themselves. The shield is recognizing the lies. Narcissist Slayers didn't start this fight. However, each one chooses to recognize their own truth and live their own lives. I learned this past couple of weeks that I am a warrior. I am creating my own life. I accept truth. If I see narcissistic behaviors in myself, I try to change them. What I learned from the narcissistics in my life: I can choose. I can choose to stay or walk away. I can choose to be their doormat or stand up and say enough. I didn't have much choice as a child. I am not a child any more. I said, "Enough." Thank you TR for nominating me and helping me to realize in my own way, I am a warrior. The list I found at the bottom of Narcissistic Continuum cover all the blogs that I know because they are the ones I learned from. Thank you to these valiant warriors that taught me I have a choice, so does every reader. Narcissitics also have a choice. But my choice decides how I am treated. If I don't lay down on the ground, they can't walk on me.
If you know someone that is deserving of this award, please nominate them in the comments and I will let them know. I still miss many warriors that decided to move on with their lives away from the blogosphere. I hope they are continuing to live their lives happily and joyfully where ever they are.
8 comments:
I feel so much the same way undeserving of any type of recognition. And it is a truth sometimes as difficult to face - people see ourselves differently than we see ourselves. Very much how you describe other bloggers doing the research and sharing their stories is how I see you. Thank you for sharing your stories, your photos, your life, yourself with all of us. It helps so much. xxTR
Maybe seeing our faults instead of celebrating our strengths and talents is human nature. The painter sees her mistakes while the viewers admire her work. The musician hears the off note while the listener enjoys the song.
Hope one day you'll step outside yourself and understand Mariah Carey's lyrics: "And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you"
You are a warrior and my hero Ruth.
Congratulations!
TW
"The armor a Narcissist Slayer wears is truth. The sword is the decision to choose for themselves. The shield is recognizing the lies. Narcissist Slayers didn't start this fight. However, each one chooses to recognize their own truth and live their own lives."
Dear Ruth,
That was a beautiful interpretation of the Narcissist Slayer Award. It doesn't mean we're permanently glued to the battlefield cutting off the heads of our enemies. It doesn't mean our total existence is focused on spotting enemies and proving our courage by destroying them. I think this is how people may have interpreted this award and if that were the standard measure, I should decline acceptance, too.
I continue to have relationships with narcissistic people whom I love...who would "hurt me" if I weren't continually growing and learning and understanding. I have fought to keep those relationships in tact because they are important to me. And because I want my children to know that we don't have to kill our enemies to be safe. We can learn discernment. We can learn healthy fighting skills in the event we must protect ourselves. We can learn to stop reacting. We can learn to love ourselves in healthier ways. We have choices.
I'm so glad T Reddy nominated you for this award and you were willing to accept it. To me, each day that we wake up and get out of bed is a victory. Each day that we accept a reality we don't like, is a victory. Admitting to ourselves that we're frightened, that we make mistakes, that we need help from others---is a victory. Growing up in a narcissistic family makes it easy-so-easy to deny reality, as you say: swallow the blue pill. You share your life with others, just as T Reddy recognized and that is most definitely a victory. Cowards don't let their vulnerabilities show---they don't share the things they love and who they are because that would invite potential rejection. So consider yourself a Narcissism Slayer, Ruth! Congratulations!
Hugs,
CZ
Ruth, I really enjoyed reading this post. I think you've done a lovely job expressing feelings that many of us have. I'm not NC either. I still have narcissists in my life....I'm not really sure how one could effectively eliminate ALL of them. I like how CZ put it above that we don't have to "kill" our enemies to be safe and that we can learn to be healthy and protect ourselves still.
Your kindness and thoughtfulness shine through on your blog. Many, many of the things you've said have helped me find my way and I'm thankful that you continue to write and continue to honestly discuss both your failings and your successes. It has helped me to be more gentle with myself.
Jessie
P.S. As a fellow photographer, I also like to see your photos. They are often a welcome respite.
I appreciate all the comments. All your encouragement makes a difference.
TR Thanks again for the nomination.
mulderfan the feeling is mutual. You were one of the warriors that helped me. Thank you.
Thanks TW. If you had a blog I would nominate you for the warrior award too. Your comments make a real difference, Thanks for your support.
Thanks CZ. Your blog has made a difference to me. Your thoughtfulness and support is appreciated.
I'm glad Jessie that what I write makes a difference. I am happy to know you like my photos too. We all deserve gentleness especially from ourselves.
Ruth, congrats on your Slayer Award. Like CZ, I too believe (and always have) that we don't have to destroy our enemies. That being less reactive is the way to go. If someone makes a wrong move, instead of "cutting off the head of our enemy" we work on keeping our own integrity. I really like your interpretation of what the shield means. CS
Thank you CS.
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