My friend told me about a young man in his senior year in high school. His father finally came to watch him dive on his last swim meet. He did his best, trying not to waste his father's time since he came to this meet. He dived beautifully until the last dive. He belly flopped. Judges didn't even score the dive. Why hadn't he continued on with his winning streak? Pressure from preforming for Dad? When asked, the boy admitted, if he succeeded his friends would have stopped liking him for doing so much better than they did. Since he failed, they patted him on his back and cheered him on. Failure the new success?
I have seen this at the Olympics, someone failing garnering more attention then the first one across the finish line. I still remember one of the long bike races in a summer Olympics years ago. One bicyclist took off ahead of the rest. The news people following decided she was just a jack-rabbit and would fall back into the pack. She never did. The news people focused on those back in the pack and she finished alone, far ahead of the pack. No one there to interview her success. She didn't follow their expected formula, nobody paid attention to her.
Why am I so intrigued about the situation? Bloopers on TV get thousands of dollars for being spectacular at failing. A man got $100,000 for falling over a fence and loosing his pants on video. The latest new craze on YouTube are videos of people screwing up. People view and share these by the thousands. But to succeed, no one wants to know. I believe teachers and counselors are actually contributing to this trend. If I did poorly, I could get more attention then if I did well. I watched this summer my mother desperately vying for attention because my father got a pacemaker. He needed extra attention. My mother behaved more and more erratically to draw attention back to her. How is this affecting my progress?
Working in computers, I worked in animation lab that was cutting edge technology. I learned that at that level, you bleed alone. I knew so much that the general self help web pages were useless to me. By the time I needed help with a computer problem, I was talking to an engineer. I was laid off, I wasn't a team player. The lab workers didn't know how to do what I did. I didn't fit in. I wasn't one of the pack. A desire to not leave anyone behind is creating a Topsy-turvy need to fail to fit in. I feel sad that the young man felt he had to fail to keep his friends. I laughed at the news people that missed a world record winner because they didn't believe she could do what she did. I am turning off the bloopers and videos of spectacular losers.
This situation is thousands of years old. The prodigal son comes home and his father kills the fatted calf. The other son, wonders, what was the use of always doing what he was supposed to do if his success was never celebrated.
Luke 15:25-32
25 Now his elder son was in the field: and as he came and drew nigh to the house, he heard musick and dancing.
26 And he called one of the servants, and asked what these things meant.
27 And he said unto him, Thy brother is come; and thy father hath killed the fatted calf, because he hath received him safe and sound.
28 And he was angry, and would not go in: therefore came his father out, and entreated him.
29 And he answering said to his father, Lo, these many years do I serve thee, neither transgressed I at any time thy commandment: and yet thou never gavest me a kid, that I might make merry with my friends:
30 But as soon as this thy son was come, which hath devoured thy living with harlots, thou hast killed for him the fatted calf.
31 And he said unto him, Son, thou art ever with me, and all that I have is thine.
32 It was meet that we should make merry, and be glad: for this thy brother was dead, and is alive again; and was lost, and is found.
The father reminded the other son that all he had would now go to the son that stayed by him. No amount of celebrating took away what the son that remained did. The son that remained had it all but since no one gave him a party he was angry. I wonder as I get stronger whether my new challenge in moving forward without a counselor is I don't have that weekly feed back of "you're doing great." I need to remember my celebration of how far I have come and how far I can now go. I'm no longer in the desolate wasteland of depression. I am meeting and overcoming struggles. I am learning to recognize and celebrate my own successes.
6 comments:
This is very interesting. I see this often as well. We have to put ourselves one peg down so keep our friends. For a long time I didn't celebrate anything, because it would be stolen away with one work, one look. I find it hard to celebrate today, to enjoy something I have accomplished. I think there is so much in that. When I have accomplished something and it comes up (by a third party who means well) my N friends will minimilize the accomplishment or try and bring their shame experience up where then I feel ashamed. This is a really great post, it really made me think of my own behaviours around failing and succeeding. xx
Ruth, I've come to the conclusion when ever you stick out from the crowd, either above average or below average in any arena you're gonna be singed out for differential treatment. You threatened the other employees by speaking with the engineer and being self-motivated. The pressure to conform to mediocre can be overwhelming.
I think that bicyclist learned how to handle it: Don't look back, look forward and just keep going. If you're doing what you love, the "competition" is with/within yourself, not anyone else.
Some of us work better in groups, some of us work better alone or with one or two colleagues. Please don't settle for mediocre just because it seems everyone else around you has set a low bar. A pole vaulter doesn't compete with the hurdlers: It's a completely different class and skill set.
TW
Thanks TR and TW. I appreciate your comments.
I think there is a split between idolising the successful and the herd mentality.
As you say it is the successful in known domains and in known ways that are celebrated.
I do think it is possible to develop friendships where what you do (success or failure) isn't the issue (you can friends that comfort you when your down and celebrate with you when you're up). I don't mean to suggest that this is easy.
Evan you are right. I have some of those awesome friends.
That's very good to hear.
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