Thursday, April 23, 2015


Blessedly it wasn't in the car.  Driving home was a constant fight to stay awake....when I got home I crashed on the couch....Thanks God.  Slept heavily.....more like passing out than sleeping.  Woke up just in time to go to Karate.  Thankful that I was helping a new student and able to go slow tonight.  Winding down again after working out.  Recurring comatose states are annoying at best and down right terrifying at worst.  When I was passing out daily, a lady decided I was going to fix all her problems.  I tried to explain that some days I could barely fix dinner for my family so fixing all her issues....not happening.  This was before counseling so I didn't know how to set appropriate boundaries.  Instead, I allowed one of the monster pass-outs happen when she was there.  Watching a person pass-out is kind of creepy and scary.  I mostly tried to be alone in my room for them to happen.  Unfortunately, for many years they happened so often and sometimes without much warning.  But this lady was expecting me to carry her burdens and I figured a way to cut to the chase of reality was for her to see my reality.  It worked.  She was terrified I would die and she didn't want to be in the position of being the strong one in a relationship.  She used victimhood to manipulate others.  Yup, she dropped out of my life after that.  I could have assured her after many years of doing this dying was not going to happen.  Having one today, minor compared to how they used to be, reminded me that complete collapse is never far away. 

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