Friday, April 10, 2015

Run, Run

One of the challenges of PTSD is using busyness as a distraction.  You run and run and run and run then your body has enough and collapses.  You go to the doctor, they give you a bunch of test, tell you there is nothing wrong with you and the cycle begins again and again and get the picture.  You try to pace yourself but you feel the time slipping away, so much to do with so little time before your body collapses again. Last night I sat watching a TV show then woke up 2 hours later.  So much for writing, doing my editing, or anything else I was supposed to do.  I wake up feeling chilled it is over 70 degrees...not a good sign.  I walk out the door forgetting items I'm supposed to take to work.  Thoughts slip away like all the memories that slid through the cracks until they pop back with a trigger and a bang.  Frustration.  PTSD does not go on vacation.  Those around you get tired of tip toeing around.  Express their wish that you could be different.  I wish I could be different.  I worked hard.  Eleven years of counseling.....I spent almost that long in elementary school.  In many ways I am very different from when I began this walk out of hell.  In other ways, I am still struggling.  Some days I am just so tired.  Then the feeling passes and I am on the run again. 

My one and only mud-run I did with my daughter....Life feels like this sometimes. 

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