Tuesday, April 21, 2015


I was reminded why I am terrible with a deadline.  Deadlines seem to invite Karma's worse cousins, mistakes and disaster.  Crashing servers, lost files, too many files with the same name, and tripping up on the small tasks put me behind the 8 ball. (Yes, I like playing billiards.)  There is a reason I could never run a photography business.  I'm terrible with a deadline.  I eat, can't sleep, play mindless video games, and ate about half a batch of brownies.  My stomach is very unhappy with my shenanigans and after typing about the brownies....I still have some left.   (I am hearing that singsongy voice tempting me.....grabbed a water bottle, not as tasty but my stomach will love me for it.) 

I was reminded recently by someone else's experience how tragically dark my life used to be.  I was sickest when my kids needed me most.  I feel so guilty for screwing up my kids childhoods.  Generational abuse is perpetuated partly by ignorance, partly by cruel choices, and partly out of fear.  Choosing to stop the insanity is like putting my hand up to halt a tsunami.  I didn't pass on some of the crap but there is still plenty that leaks around the edges.  My children recognized the cruelty of my mother long before I would admit it.  I did have memories that when I told, I was blamed for making her angry, waking her up, interrupting her, interfering with her TV show, however, when I told my counselor he assured me over and over again that my mental illness was how I adjusted to living in asylum when I was a child.  I actually already knew this.  I listened to a Dr. Banks tape over and over again on Mental hygiene.  He is the one that introduced me to the quote

Ere' you wonder on through life brother,
What ever be your goal.
Keep your Eye upon the doughnut,
And not upon the hole.  

I found his videos on line.  He is an entertaining speaker and I've been assured by others that he can piss off most people.  I happen to love his irreverent approach and use of humor as a way to get past my guard.  This is the first of several videos: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VyOl0-qbDSU 
Some people may find his approach triggering.  I was in my 20's when I nearly memorized the cassette tape I had of his speech.  I can still quote large portions it.  I listened over and over and over.  I think it was the first real active effort on my part to figure out what was going on inside my head.  It took years to get over my hangups, prejudices, and fears before I went with my husband to see a counselor.  When I started it was for marriage counseling.  I didn't think my past had anything to do with the problems in my present.  I was so wrong.  I couldn't remember but it didn't stop my past from disrupting my present.  I don't believe wallowing in the past is helpful but I did learn that I need to acknowledge that horrible things happened, I was not exaggerating or lying to get attention.  Crap happened and I was blamed for it.  Maybe that's why I wanted to get the t-shirt with the quote:

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you.  

Some body calls this home. 

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