Today I was visiting with a friend and I said something out loud that finally clicked in was an answer I had been praying about. One of my behaviors that alerted KavinCoach that I had serious emotional problems was my lack of emotion. He would ask me how I felt about a situation and I wouldn't know what to say. Repeatedly there were issues that would come up and I would make the emotions attached to the situation to just vanish. I had read somewhere once that it was evil to be past feeling. I didn't feel evil but I couldn't explain why I couldn't feel things. I was chatting with my friend after a wonderful evening at Bible study. We were talking about forgiveness that was the topic for the class tonight. I was talking with how I struggled with feelings. Trying to explain to my friend what I meant I said, "You know like when doctors put a burn victim in a coma on purpose so they don't have to feel the first really painful process of healing." When a person is badly burned part of the first healing process is to remove all the damaged tissue, which is usually attached to very sore nerves. The process is extremely painful. I am now wondering if Heavenly Father blessed me with the ability to not feel the really bad stuff in my life. Unfortunately, the insulation from the bad also kept me from sharing positive feelings too. Not only could I not feel emotions a lot of the time, I also couldn't share how I felt. When I started counseling I said I didn't know how to communicate. It never occurred to me that I didn't know how to feel. Through counseling I learned to feel, share, and process the bombardment of emotion. It is like all my emotions are trying to catch up all at once. As Laurel mentioned in her comment, I finally got on the roller coaster. I am hoping by the end of the ride I will be able to exclaim, "That was fun let's do it again!"
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