Sunday, November 28, 2010

Still feel the same

I have noticed that sometimes when I get angry it is like a 'storm in a teacup,' really just me in my little world having tantrums.  Other times, it is big, furious and the right way to feel in a given situation.  Put downs, belittling, cruelty, abuse, and other behaviors deserve anger.  You can ask any psychologist and you will be told that anger is a secondary emotion.  One of three things happen first, you were either hurt, frustrated, or afraid.  I have discovered that when my anger is really big, it will be all three plus what I call "powder kegged."  It is a made up term that I use to describe what happens when I blow sky high over something that appears small or inconsequential.  The "powder keg" is some previous event that caused a similar reaction that I stuffed the emotion under layers of denial.  The interesting thing about stuffing emotions they tend to cluster together and gain strength.  The emotions do not diminish.  Then, a later event detonates not only the current event but all the rage from previous events.  Yesterday's rage was set off by such an event.  Until I read someone's comment on somebody else's web page, I didn't realize how furiously angry I feel when another person decides well you weren't "truly abused."  Even if the other person was there and witnessed the events it does not put them in a place to judge how I reacted or how I felt about an event.  Nor does the other person realize that sometimes one small event is the tiny tip of a monstrous iceberg of repeated events.  I once had an unpleasant boss that was trying to get me fired.  He didn't do any one thing that I could point to and say, "This person's behavior is abusive."  Instead it was like a swarm of hungry mosquitos each drawing just a little bit of blood with the sum total being extreme abuse even if a single event was just a little bite. I am angry that anyone would be judged by someone else and told how they felt wasn't real.  Abuse is real.  Sneaky, underhanded, hard to detect abuse is real.  Recognizing abuse and exposing abuse to the light of examination seems to me to be the only true way to bring it to a halt.  As long as people say it is not real, there is no need to change.  I am still fuming mad.     


Laurel Hawkes said...

Spot on.

mulderfan said...

Denying abuse is abuse! And so, the cycle continues until we are given the tools to stop it. It's easy to say go NC or walk away but those of us that have suffered years of abuse simply lack the skills needed to take control.

I feel extremely fortunate to have found a counselor that gave me the tools.

You express things so well Ruth!

Ruth said...

Thank you.

upsi said...

Great post, Ruth - the stuffed feelings do tend to cluster together and then detonate. I love the way you write.

Ruth said...

Thanks Upsi