My journey out of the darkness of depression.
How I changed from not just surviving but thriving.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Fear vs. Faith
A dimmer switch ~ I really need a dimmer switch. Too often when I think about problems and solutions I tend to head towards the extremes of the perfect, ideal solution setting myself up to fail since I rarely reach those lofty, ideal heights. So when it comes to having faith I often feel like I fail since I seem to feel a lot of fear too. I have heard it said that Faith and Fear can not coexist. I keep wondering if perhaps it is more of a continuum since I seem to be in a constant state of "Feel the fear and do it anyway." One example, when I got pregnant shortly after getting married at age 19, I was so scared that I didn't buy anything for the baby. I was taught that teenage mothers were more likely to have children with birth defects. I was afraid I would not be bringing my baby home. I was nauseated, miserable and terrified. I felt this way from the beginning. The fear sucked away much of the joy of a first pregnancy. I didn't share my fear with very many people. When we went to the hospital I had been up for 3 days having contractions. I was too tired to feel much of anything but relief that the baby was coming at last. After giving birth to a beautiful baby boy, I counted all the fingers and toes. The next day the nurse asked me what outfit I was taking our baby home in. I looked at the nurse blankly. I hadn't considered that possibility that I would get to take the baby home. Now, I make baby blankets and give them away to anybody having a baby. I know what it is to feel so much fear that all the joy is sucked out of an experience. Yet I had enough faith to get married and start a family. Many experiences in my life I recognize the fear that I feel and move forward anyway because I feel the outcome is worth fighting past my fear. Counseling started out with the idea that I would learn how to communicate. I had no idea what kind of fears I would face. Yet I moved forward with faith that something good would come out of it. I now enjoy all my children and grandchildren. I was blessed with being with one of my daughters when she had her baby. I shared with her joy and happiness that I never felt. If fear and faith do not intermingle than what have I been doing most of my life. I feel the fear and go forward anyway. I am learning that the more faith I have the greater joy I feel. But feeling fear does not stop me from moving forward unless I let it.