Saturday, November 6, 2010

Knowledge

“Man's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions.” Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

I experienced this in a big time way when I started counseling.  The more I learned about how I functioned that I could control how I felt, behaved, and thought, the less I was able to go back to how I was.  After integrating I was very concerned about splitting again since I know how powerful that is for a survival skill.  The last 4 months has really put me through my paces and I continue to find that my mind is staying integrated.  This quote put in straight terms what I am starting to realize.  Now that I have learned new ideas from counseling, I can never go back.  Not only that, I don't want to go back.  Living integrated is hard but it is also very rewarding.  I watch myself use more control over myself than I have ever experienced.  I no longer feel like people can make me do things. I make choices, sometime to please someone else, but I don't HAVE to make those choices.  I feel that the major change in how I feel about myself now compared to before integration is now I feel like I have choices.  Switching happened and usually without my knowing why.  For a while before integration, I started to control the switches but that was usually an exercise in futility.  Now I can be happy, sad, angry, frustrated, excited, curious, and a whole lot of other things that simply weren't always available before.  I am continuing to learn and as I learn my mind is being reshaped hopefully to a healthier self.  Good, bad, or indifferent counseling has changed my thinking forever.  

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